He and I stare down at the freshly laid gravestone, edged by spring-green grass. "When people come into our office for this," he trails off, shielding his eyes from the morning sunshine, his weathered face suddenly young in disbelief. "It's the absolute worst when this happens," he shakes his head, unable to speak the words "baby" or "dead" in the same sentence. I nod. I can say anything; I have already baffled him with my sunny cheer, interrupting his silent, solitary task by jumping out of a minivan full of (living) children to ask if this was my daughters' gravestone he was laying. When you start having a Strange Conversation with a Stranger, you can say anything and it is marvelously freeing. (It wasn't theirs; there is another baby buried next to them now; she lived two months; my mind calculates the math every time; dates are codes in this terrible club.) "It's not like Grandma who got 80, 90 years, lived a full life," he continues, waving a heavy hand toward his … [Read more...] about hearts of flesh & hearts of stone
infertility
it is (not) finished
The book is done. Edits complete, permissions secured, page proofs underway. We spent months writing on miscarriage, my spouse and I. Grief and loss, marriage and parenting, sacraments and prayer. All the themes of our life together, wrestled and woven into words on a page. Writing a book together was a work I never expected to tackle with that bright-eyed groom at the end of the aisle. He and I were going to have better, not worse, thank you very much. Health, not sickness. Richer, not poorer. Weren't we all? Would any couple stand up and say "I do" if we knew what waited on the second half of every phrase? Yet what breaks us is what makes us, too. We cannot unweave our love from our loss. Writing this book has been the same. Better mingled with worse. Richer mixed with poorer. Sickness swirled with health. Gathering stories of suffering, then getting up from the desk to make dinner for four healthy, growing, astonishing children. Trying to translate theology … [Read more...] about it is (not) finished
an Advent book club: week 2 {longing}
"As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.When shall I come and behold the face of God?" (Psalm 42:1-2) This week we're reading in Everyday Sacrament: "Infertility's Long Initiation" "Showered with Blessing" "When the Heart Breaks Open" Longing. It's not a word we use much these days, is it? Maybe because we have to yearn for so little. Instant gratification is at our fingertips. Devices in our pockets and purses allow us to escape boredom whenever we want. Everything is a click away (or two days with Amazon Prime). Even the absence of loved ones is eased by a quick text, a FaceTime chat, a thousand photos shared over the miles. Longing, yearning, pining - these are verbs of a by-gone era. Sentiments scribbled on postcards or poured into long letters, reaching out across time and space with deep desire, the love that knows it will not be easily achieved. What do we long for … [Read more...] about an Advent book club: week 2 {longing}
waiting in the word: a couple’s journey
People tell me their stories all the time. Every day I get emails from couples hoping to conceive and prayer requests from pregnant women worried about miscarriage. Since our daughters died in February, I get stories from parents who have lost babies to stillbirth or infant loss. Readers share their hardest stories, their heart-heavy stories. I am honored and humbled to hold them - even for only a moment, even if I feel I have little light to shine in their darkness. I wish I could respond to every single one, but they all join my litany of prayers. I know our stories are what matter most. When Nell, Nancy, and I started talking about what we wanted to offer next in our Waiting in the Word lectio divina series, we found the answer in our own stories. Our own struggles. We realized that the stories we were telling each other as friends circled around the same challenges. (Maybe you find this in your friendships, too.) We are moms of many, and it's hard but good. We are … [Read more...] about waiting in the word: a couple’s journey