ESSAYS
Caregiving as an Act of God
In the beginning were the caregivers. And the caregivers were with God. And the caregivers were God. On March 27, 2023, I found myself sitting at a round table in the sixth-floor atrium of the Critical Care Tower at Vanderbilt University Medical Center (VUMC) receiving a tutorial from a total parenteral nutrition (TPN) educator. I…
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Mother of One, Mother of All
Eyes wide, her whole body abruptly leaned toward the computer screen. With shock on her face, she turned to me. “You are in a very serious condition. You could have a seizure anytime,” the nurse told me. “Oh, ok…Will I still be able to go home?” “You are not going anywhere until this baby comes…
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Loved, Not Forgotten
I find out I’m expecting again in March of 2021. Two bright pink lines on a pregnancy test stare back at me in our bathroom. I count nine months forward to a due date in November. November, a month for cinnamon and cloves, sweater weather, and now, my second child’s birthday. My breath catches. I…
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Confessions of an Angry Mom
A little hand reaches up to the counter, and papers flutter to the floor. While I restack them, a chair is pushed over. Maybe even a plant. Something in me starts to tighten and grow, a tense little ball of fire. Words spill out, but they are useless; they clink to the floor. My preschooler…
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Between Light and Shadow
Author’s Note: I am a photographer by trade but my works have almost always been accompanied by my words. When Laura approached me about creating a piece for Mothering Spirit, I knew I wanted it to be spoken in the language of flowers. The words and photographs that follow are each an aspect of the…
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Embracing the Spectrum: A Journey of Love and Neurodivergence
As I leaned over his crib, a tumult of emotions swirled within me as I attuned to the gentle cadence of his rising and falling chest. His soft, rhythmic newborn breaths and those distinct half-lidded eyes—a trait he still holds onto—whispered of dreams beyond my comprehension. My fingers gently cradled his petal-soft newborn hand, its…
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Passing on Faith, Living with Doubt
“Mommy, I think you’re making this up.” That’s what my 5 year-old daughter said to me when I had tried to answer her question: Can Jesus and Mary see us right now, in our living room? Truthfully, my garbled answer didn’t even feel true to me. I’m not exactly sure what I said, but whatever…
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The Grandparenthood
I was sitting on the couch holding the newborn who was trying to fall asleep and burp at the same time. The gentle rocking wasn’t helping, but the soft humming I was doing seemed to soothe him, at least for now. My left arm having fallen asleep, I switched him to the right arm which…
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When God Feels Far Away
“What ya doin’?” my 7-year-old daughter asked me, eyeing the colored pencils scattered across my bed and the opened notebook before me, oblivious to the earliness of the hour. We were both still in our pajamas. I was sitting cross-legged on my bed with a steaming cup of coffee on my bedside table. Her art-loving…
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Mercy’s Light
As Advent approaches and it gets darker in the northern hemisphere, the daylight in South Africa, where I live, stretches longer and longer. I haul out my Advent candles, which in the summer heat often end up slumped over by Christmas Day, and place them on the table. I need the light. South Africa is…
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It’s Fine. Everything’s Fine. (Except I Lit the Fire.)
Have you seen the meme of the dog sipping coffee amongst the flames? The one where he says “It’s fine. Everything’s fine”? Most days I am that dog, sitting calmly through the chaos. And yet, I also lit the fire. My anger frightens me. It lies dormant beneath a peaceful exterior, surprising everybody, including me,…
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The Pull of the Holidays
When I think about the upcoming holidays, my mind’s eye sees all the magazine-cover images: tables set for six or eight or twelve. They’re laid out with the good china, the crystal, the candlesticks, and table décor. They’re heaped with glistening turkeys, vegetables you’ve never heard of, and pies so beautiful they could be décor,…
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