the spiritual side of pregnancy after loss
Pregnancy after the loss of a baby – following miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death – is a daunting prospect.
From a distance I used to think “trying again” or “having another baby” must be a happy, hopeful, healing part of parenthood.
(File this away under “Things I Didn’t Really Understand Until They Happened to Me.”)
The truth is that pregnancy after loss is a whiplash of emotions. Every day, every week can feel like an uphill climb. The blissful innocence of preparing to welcome a baby has disappeared.
Instead, you cautiously guard your heart – maybe – and you worry about all the frightening realities in the back of the pregnancy books (the chapters you never bothered to read before).
You know that anything can happen.
I wrote about this truth in our pregnancy after miscarriage. Now that I’m pregnant again after the deaths of our twins, everything feels more intense.
Along the way I have found a few good resources, a handful of places for help on the journey:
- Pregnancy After Loss Support (their online Facebook groups are wonderful, too)
- Still Standing Magazine (a great resource for parents dealing with infertility, miscarriage, neonatal loss, multiple losses, stillbirth, and SIDS)
But the spiritual side of pregnancy after loss? No one says a word about this.
I want this to change.
Pregnancy after loss is a physical, emotional, AND spiritual experience. It’s intense and isolating and overwhelming. It raises all the hard questions about life and death and God.
So here are 5 parts of the spiritual side of pregnancy after loss. Whether you’re a parent on this journey – or a friend or relative trying to understand why your loved one doesn’t seem as happy as you expected in their new pregnancy – I hope this helps you.
1. Pregnancy after loss means there are no guarantees.
You know now that babies can die. This is a terrible truth to learn. You no longer assume anything about how your life or your child’s life will turn out.
Spiritually? The challenge is to trust.
You may be angry at God. You might feel like God has betrayed you. You may not be sure what you believe any more.
It is hard to trust that this journey will end well. But trust is not a one-time decision to be made. You’re learning to believe in your body, your life, and your God in new ways. It’s never easy, but you are not alone.
“It is the Lord who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed.”
(Deuteronomy 31:8)
For me, the companionship of God is the only thing I can trust right now. I don’t know what will happen next. I only know that God has been with me in the past, God is here in the present, and God will be with me in the future.
For now, that is enough.
2. Pregnancy after loss brings a daily temptation to despair.
When you know the worst that can happen, it’s hard to stop thinking it could happen again. You’re always holding your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Despair thrives under perfect conditions like these.
Spiritually? The challenge is to hope.
You may hate well-meaning comments that “everything will turn out right this time.” You might hold off preparing for baby because you don’t want to take apart another nursery. You may delay sharing the news that you’re expecting, because you hate the prospect of turning around to share sad news again.
“For in hope we were saved.
Now hope that is seen is not hope.
For who hopes for what is seen?
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”
(Romans 8:24-25)
I cannot see what lies ahead, whether our baby will be born safely and come home to live with us. I have to hope in what cannot yet be seen.
But I believe that hope is a gift given to each of us by God, in our own way and time. I know that hope is like a muscle and it strengthens with practice. So I try to stretch and hold it whenever I can.
For now, that is enough.
3. Pregnancy after loss raises conflicts of anger and jealousy.
One strange part of expecting after loss is that you can still envy other pregnant women. Their easy joy, innocent bliss, and assumptions that their baby will simply be born – healthy and alive.
You never get that innocence back, and it’s tempting to stew in anger and jealousy. Why did this have to happen to me?
Spiritually? The challenge is to seek peace.
You may find prayer nearly impossible. You might feel flooded with negativity and worry how your emotions are affecting your baby. You may keep asking why God let this suffering happen.
“Do not worry about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
(Phil 4:6-7)
In the stage of life when many friends are having babies, I often find myself in the middle of conversations about pregnancy and newborns. So I have to learn how to handle the emotional triggers.
Sometimes I pray for God’s help to listen with compassion. Sometimes I remind myself that it’s okay to feel however I’m feeling. Sometimes I simply find a way to step away.
I don’t want to project my story on anyone else’s, but I’m not the same person I used to be. So I try to befriend myself and practice mercy on my own heart in the ways I imagine God does, too.
For now, that is enough.
4. Pregnancy after loss knows you cannot control.
You could not save your last baby. You could not do what you wanted desperately to do: protect the child you loved. You can feel helpless in the face of all you cannot control – which is nearly everything in pregnancy.
Anxiety breeds here.
Spiritually? The challenge is to practice humility.
Today’s parenting culture can lead you to believe everything is up to you: if you make all the best decisions, your child will “turn out right.” But you know the opposite is true.
While this feels frightening, it’s also the beginning of humility. Because we cannot control so much about our lives, we can only serve each other with love.
Remembering how you and your child are held within a wider embrace of God’s love can start to free you from anxiety and the desire to control.
“And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?
. . . But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.”
(Matthew 6: 27, 33)
Whenever I start to worry about what-ifs, I remind myself that I have the choice of where to dwell in my thoughts. Do I want to live in a dark future that has not yet happened? Or do I want to live in the possibility of goodness?
Humility reminds me that my life and my baby’s life are held in the hands of God. I do not need to do everything; I only need to take the small steps I can do to care for both of us.
For now, that is enough.
5. Pregnancy after loss understands the reality of fear.
You’ve dealt with the worst. You can’t shove it away like it never happened. You’re terrified of what might happen next.
Fear can define pregnancy after loss.
Spiritually? The challenge is to choose love.
You may feel chased by fear, running through a thousand scenarios in your head of how everything could go wrong. You might lie awake in the dark crippled by anxiety. You may not believe, deep down, that you will be able to love your baby.
But the nurse who leads our support group for pregnancy after loss says that the decision to try again does not come after “getting over” your grief, but comes from believing you are ready to love again and to love someone new.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
(1 John 4:18)
This Scripture verse used to irk me. Humans can’t be perfect; what’s the point of trying?
Then I came to understand that perfect love cannot be of our own doing. Instead, this is an invitation to let God’s love enter our hearts, to help us do what we fear we cannot do.
Whenever I fear that I cannot carry – or birth, or bring home – this baby, I try to remember that all I have to do is take one step beyond fear. Not ten or twenty. Just one.
Once I get to that place, I can start to love this child with new love.
For now, that is enough.
. . .
What would you add to this list? If you’ve experienced pregnancy after loss, what were your struggles of faith – and how did you cope?
Thank you for sharing this with us. I just lost my baby girl Emily Elizabeth at 22 weeks and 6 days. We are devastated but I continue to pray every single day through the pain. I had three early miscarriages prior to becoming pregnant with Emily. No child replaces another child. We buried her this week four days before Christmas and it was the hardest thing any parent should have to do. I am nervous to become pregnant again but I also very much want to be a parent with my husband. This was the best post/article I have found on the internet. Thank you.
Jamie, I am so sorry to hear of your tremendous loss. Please know that I am praying for you and your sweet Emily Elizabeth. I can only imagine that this is an intensely hard time to grief, between all the hard of 2020 and the holidays too. You are not alone in the darkness, and I hope you will have some light and peace in the days and weeks to come.
Thank you so much for sharing this article. The beginning of 2018 my husband had a near death experience after our family came back from vacation. I became pregnant immediately when he returned home from the hospital. We have two beautiful girls and we were finally getting our prince. On 06/11/18 our prince was born sleeping three days shy of 24 weeks. It was the greatest pain I have experienced in my 37 years of living. It was even more devastating that this was my first vaginal delivery. I remember crying and even questioning why me. I can certainly relate to the jealousy I felt towards my friends and coworkers that went on to have healthy babies. However, I thank God for pulling me through and for also allowing me to witness to a fellow coworker who went through a similar ordeal. Looking back I can truly say that God held me through the experienced and I am even more amazed by my emotional recovery. It will be two years next month and my husband and I are trusting God to bless my womb again.
Oops…
So many stories
I lost three kids in a row. No treatments helping me either.
I get angry on god who has not given me right to bear my first child full term. Every time it is missed miscarriage. I will be hoping good but same hope vanish before my belly start showing up.
I never heard this across my family nor friends, which keeps me cornered and grief unheard.
As age is running self confidence lagging.
Is god is there or i should stop believing that something good happens to me too.
I feel that i am left alone where every year pain is given to the same space where i cant bear more… !!!
I desperately needed to read this. Thank you. God bless.
Thank you for this post. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks about 4 months ago, it was my first pregnancy. I was so dreading a miscarriage once I found out I was pregnant (I tend to be a pessimistic worrier) that I was feeling all the negative, hopeless, anxious emotions you wrote about, even though I had never lost a baby before. The thing I regret most is that I didn’t allow myself to love my baby at all, for fear of losing him or her. Your advice is exactly what I think God has been trying to put into my heart since then: trust, love, surrender. When my husband and I are ready to try again, I sincerely pray that I’ll be able to choose to live in hope rather than fear.
This article is very relatable especially to what I am experiencing right now. I lost one of my twins in my womb, while the other one is 4 days after I got birth last Oct 30, 2018 with severe prematurity. I delivered my child only 28 weeks and because of this she had alot of complications.
I never thought I will experience this kind of loss thats why after the incident its hard to get back to your daily routine. But miraculousy, with the help of my husband, my family, inlaws and friends burdens become easier.
I cannot say Im okay as there are alot of times I still missed my babies and got angry with God and with myself especially when I heard I have friends with there wife that are having a healthy pregnancy. Its easier to get jealous. However, everytime I feel this way, I concentrate on the good things that happened to my life and pray to God to sustain me from my ordeals and help me to have trust again in times of uncertainty. I pray that each of us will have a peace of mind and trust with God that he is in control and nothing in this world is constant. This means eventually sun will come out after the storm.
Keep believing!
Thanks for this article. I just lost my first pregnancy on the 15 November 2018.i fell empty and always find myself crying. I was so happy to have my baby girl just 23 weeks pregnancy and I could not hold her after painful delivery knowing she was no more, tear my heart I hope God will bless me again.
Hi
I lost my baby yesterday after being born at 26weeks
Everyone gave us hope she would live but her lungs gave up. Cannot come to terms with it as of yet after reading everything i still want her back
WOW, WOW, WOW! I feel like you went in my head and completely articulated EVERYTHING I feel. I’m seeking for support because I’m currently pregnant. Our son went to heaven at 22 weeks and then we had 2 early losses since then. I’m a believer and this is the hardest loneliest journey. I believe God and trust him. I just have to remember that trusting isn’t a one time thing. Some days I remind myself to trust 2-3 times other days I have to do it every hour. Even every 30 minutes at times. I’m so grateful for your post!
I lost my son at 40 weeks and 5 days gestational age, he was my first child. Now I wonder what everyone else learnt from the loss of their children because I’m learning nothing. I’m productive again with school but I still don’t get what the point of the pregnancy was. I find it hard to even believe in the scriptures and a lot of scriptures in the bible use labour pains and the joy of holding your child figuratively, that makes me angry. I know he’s in heaven happy but what about me? What about his mother? My life right now is what I imagine hell would be. I struggle with everything, I don’t when last I went to church because they’ll be songs of goodness and right now in this moment of my life I know I’ll be lying if I sang them.
I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. You have every right to be angry. I raged with all the anger in the Psalms for months and months after our twins died. There are no easy answers in the face of death, especially the tragedy and trauma of the death of a baby. One of the few things I have learned about grief is that no stage is permanent, even the ones that feel like they will never end. I will keep you in my prayers for the strength to hold on and that God will somehow bring you peace and presence so that you can start to see through the darkness what light might be waiting for you. You don’t have to be anywhere else than where you are today, but you also won’t have to stay there forever. So much love to you.
This article was absolutely perfect for me right now. I have two living children and my almost three month old son died last year having been born with severe birth defects for no known reason. I’m newly pregnant and was feeling very at peace until tonight so when I found your article it was just what I needed to hear. Thank you. I’m bookmarking this page for future.
Praying for you, Ashley! I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. Pregnancy after loss is so challenging. This post actually inspired me to write a whole section about pregnancy after loss in a book my husband and I just finished writing. It will be published by Our Sunday Visitor in fall 2018, and I’ll be sure to share a link here when it’s available. Peace & hope to you and your heart today!