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the spiritual side of pregnancy after loss

29 Comments

Pregnancy after the loss of a baby – following miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death – is a daunting prospect. 

From a distance I used to think “trying again” or “having another baby” must be a happy, hopeful, healing part of parenthood.

(File this away under “Things I Didn’t Really Understand Until They Happened to Me.”)

The truth is that pregnancy after loss is a whiplash of emotions. Every day, every week can feel like an uphill climb. The blissful innocence of preparing to welcome a baby has disappeared.

Instead, you cautiously guard your heart – maybe – and you worry about all the frightening realities in the back of the pregnancy books (the chapters you never bothered to read before).

You know that anything can happen.

I wrote about this truth in our pregnancy after miscarriage. Now that I’m pregnant again after the deaths of our twins, everything feels more intense.

Along the way I have found a few good resources, a handful of places for help on the journey:

  • Pregnancy After Loss Support (their online Facebook groups are wonderful, too)
  • Still Standing Magazine (a great resource for parents dealing with infertility, miscarriage, neonatal loss, multiple losses, stillbirth, and SIDS)

But the spiritual side of pregnancy after loss? No one says a word about this.

I want this to change.

Pregnancy after loss is a physical, emotional, AND spiritual experience. It’s intense and isolating and overwhelming. It raises all the hard questions about life and death and God.

So here are 5 parts of the spiritual side of pregnancy after loss. Whether you’re a parent on this journey – or a friend or relative trying to understand why your loved one doesn’t seem as happy as you expected in their new pregnancy – I hope this helps you.

1. Pregnancy after loss means there are no guarantees.

You know now that babies can die. This is a terrible truth to learn. You no longer assume anything about how your life or your child’s life will turn out.

Spiritually? The challenge is to trust.

You may be angry at God. You might feel like God has betrayed you. You may not be sure what you believe any more.

It is hard to trust that this journey will end well. But trust is not a one-time decision to be made. You’re learning to believe in your body, your life, and your God in new ways. It’s never easy, but you are not alone.

“It is the Lord who goes before you.
He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed.”
(Deuteronomy 31:8)

For me, the companionship of God is the only thing I can trust right now. I don’t know what will happen next. I only know that God has been with me in the past, God is here in the present, and God will be with me in the future.

For now, that is enough.

2. Pregnancy after loss bring a daily temptation to despair.

When you know the worst that can happen, it’s hard to stop thinking it could happen again. You’re always holding your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Despair thrives under perfect conditions like these.

Spiritually? The challenge is to hope.

You may hate well-meaning comments that “everything will turn out right this time.” You might hold off preparing for baby because you don’t want to take apart another nursery. You may delay sharing the news that you’re expecting, because you hate the prospect of turning around to share sad news again.

“For in hope we were saved.
Now hope that is seen is not hope.
For who hopes for what is seen?
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”
(Romans 8:24-25)

I cannot see what lies ahead, whether our baby will be born safely and come home to live with us. I have to hope in what cannot yet be seen.

But I believe that hope is a gift given to each of us by God, in our own way and time. I know that hope is like a muscle and it strengthens with practice. So I try to stretch and hold it whenever I can.

For now, that is enough.

3. Pregnancy after loss raises conflicts of anger and jealousy.

One strange part of expecting after loss is that you can still envy other pregnant women. Their easy joy, innocent bliss, and assumptions that their baby will simply be born – healthy and alive.

You never get that innocence back, and it’s tempting to stew in anger and jealousy. Why did this have to happen to me?

Spiritually? The challenge is to seek peace.

You may find prayer nearly impossible. You might feel flooded with negativity and worry how your emotions are affecting your baby. You may keep asking why God let this suffering happen.

“Do not worry about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
(Phil 4:6-7)

In the stage of life when many friends are having babies, I often find myself in the middle of conversations about pregnancy and newborns. So I have to learn how to handle the emotional triggers.

Sometimes I pray for God’s help to listen with compassion. Sometimes I remind myself that it’s okay to feel however I’m feeling. Sometimes I simply find a way to step away.

I don’t want to project my story on anyone else’s, but I’m not the same person I used to be. So I try to befriend myself and practice mercy on my own heart in the ways I imagine God does, too.

For now, that is enough.

4. Pregnancy after loss knows you cannot control.

You could not save your last baby. You could not do what you wanted desperately to do: protect the child you loved. You can feel helpless in the face of all you cannot control – which is nearly everything in pregnancy.

Anxiety breeds here.

Spiritually? The challenge is to practice humility.

Today’s parenting culture can lead you to believe everything is up to you: if you make all the best decisions, your child will “turn out right.” But you know the opposite is true.

While this feels frightening, it’s also the beginning of humility. Because we cannot control so much about our lives, we can only serve each other with love.

Remembering how you and your child are held within a wider embrace of God’s love can start to free you from anxiety and the desire to control.

“And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?
. . . But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.”
(Matthew 6: 27, 33)

Whenever I start to worry about what-ifs, I remind myself that I have the choice of where to dwell in my thoughts. Do I want to live in a dark future that has not yet happened? Or do I want to live in the possibility of goodness?

Humility reminds me that my life and my baby’s life are held in the hands of God. I do not need to do everything; I only need to take the small steps I can do to care for both of us.

For now, that is enough.

5. Pregnancy after loss understands the reality of fear.

You’ve dealt with the worst. You can’t shove it away like it never happened. You’re terrified of what might happen next.

Fear can define pregnancy after loss.

Spiritually? The challenge is to choose love.

You may feel chased by fear, running through a thousand scenarios in your head of how everything could go wrong. You might lie awake in the dark crippled by anxiety. You may not believe, deep down, that you will be able to love your baby.

But the nurse who leads our support group for pregnancy after loss says that the decision to try again does not come after “getting over” your grief, but comes from believing you are ready to love again and to love someone new.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”
(1 John 4:18)

This Scripture verse used to irk me. Humans can’t be perfect; what’s the point of trying?

Then I came to understand that perfect love cannot be of our own doing. Instead, this is an invitation to let God’s love enter our hearts, to help us do what we fear we cannot do.

Whenever I fear that I cannot carry – or birth, or bring home – this baby, I try to remember that all I have to do is take one step beyond fear. Not ten or twenty. Just one.

Once I get to that place, I can start to love this child with new love.

For now, that is enough.

. . .

What would you add to this list? If you’ve experienced pregnancy after loss, what were your struggles of faith – and how did you cope?

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Laura @ Life is Beautiful says

    28 March 2017 at 12:16 pm

    This was excellent and spot on. I related to each point and was inspired (and challenged!) by each of the spiritual alternatives. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Laura @ Life is Beautiful says

      28 March 2017 at 12:19 pm

      Also, my biggest struggle in my pregnancy after loss was learning what it looked like to trust God and be hopeful when I couldn’t guarantee the outcome I desired…how to rejoice and ‘look forward’ when I wasn’t sure I would get to enjoy the things I was looking forward to (holding the baby, using the nursery and outfits and toys, watching her grow and change, etc.)

      Reply
  2. Sarah says

    28 March 2017 at 3:38 pm

    I lost my very first child to miscarriage, and pregnancy has never been the same since. I have had two healthy babies after my loss, but my pregnancy with my rainbow baby was crippled with anxiety and fear, especially in the beginning. Now I am 29 weeks with twins, and this pregnancy has been also filled with a lot of fear. I am still struggling to trust God and still wondering why He allowed me to lose my first baby. There are times when I am able to hand my fears over to God, but it is still a struggle. I still have a hard time having hope. I feel like what you wrote is helpful. You basically just have to take it one day, one step at a time.

    Reply
  3. Katie Glafcke says

    28 March 2017 at 6:11 pm

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom on walking through pregnancy after loss. I know I will be reading and re-reading this often. I had my first miscarriage in November and baby’s due date is looming large at the end of June. Just this week I heard good news from others close to me who are expecting and due this fall. Suddenly I’ve tumbled down into an emotional rabbit hole of grief all over again. I am sad that my baby won’t be alive and growing up alongside these other babies. Thank you for your guidance to seek out and embrace Trust, Hope, Peace, Humility and God’s perfect Love.

    Reply
  4. Cristal Perez says

    29 March 2017 at 5:54 am

    Thank you for sharing! Just what I needed to read. Everything is in God’s hand.

    Reply
  5. Elizabeth says

    31 March 2017 at 10:14 am

    I am so thankful for the conversation you’ve started. We lost our third baby to miscarriage 3 weeks ago (we also have 3 beautiful children on Earth). The inconvenient thing about NFP is that we can’t just a take a year off fertility. The conversation and discernment had to start as soon as I stopped bleeding, and that has been grace-filled, but painful. It is hard to keep the abject terror of another loss at bay and trust in God’s goodness while I’m angry at Him.
    One thing I learned a few years back which has been a consolation is that the Church distinguishes between “human” virtues and theological virtues. Developing human virtues is like pumping iron at the gym. If you want bigger muscles, you lift more weight. If you want to be more patient, you practice patience (with God’s help). The theological virtues — faith, hope, and love — are infused into the soul by God. I don’t have to feel hopeful, or faithful, or even loving. I just have to be receptive, to be open, to stand in prayer with this gaping wound and wait for God to fill it up.

    Reply
  6. Rachel Louise says

    2 April 2017 at 11:36 pm

    Thank you so much for this affirming and hopeful post, Laura. It is exactly what I needed to hear and will turn to time and time again for the scripture and also the knowledge that our family is not alone in this. Prayers for you as your near the end of your pregnancy.

    Reply
  7. Samantha says

    3 April 2017 at 12:06 am

    I might add three more, though they could be subsections of the five above.

    6. honesty/openness- how much does one share with others and even earthly children about total child count, fears, excitement, and all the pregnancy experiences that could be normal or something more?

    7. service/ministry- how does one commit physically, emotionally, spiritually to serving or helping others when dealing with any combination of: still hurting, craving help/feeling needy, fearing inability to help, fearing increased risk by helping others, feeling like one has nothing to give, fearing breaking instead of helping? Granted in our weakness He is strong.

    8. unity – In my experience, even partners grieve and dream differently and on different timelines with different perspectives, triggers, and lesser hopes/fears. Marriage is supposed to be an image of the Trinity and the relationship between Christ and His Church. While grief needs space, there is a temptation to extensively withdraw from both the broader community and even one’s spouse.

    Reply
    • motheringspirit says

      3 April 2017 at 10:42 am

      Wow, these are such great additions, Samantha – thank you so much. I am going to have to sit with each of these. Yes to all.

      Reply
  8. Mary says

    3 April 2017 at 2:17 pm

    SO beautifully written and exactly what I needed during this season- thank you! I am pregnant again after a loss and struggling to find the same joy I found during my first (healthy) pregnancy. My biggest struggle after loss was more a struggle of my humanity…my lack of control. I felt so angry that I could not be in control of something that I never imagined I would need control over (how many children I would have). I was angry that my plan did not match God’s plan. Since then, and now during my current pregnancy I’ve found comfort in trusting God’s plan, even though I don’t know what it is. This verse has helped a lot: “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13

    Reply
  9. Charity says

    20 October 2017 at 8:27 am

    I just suffered a loss of my son who was born at almost 23 weeks and lived for 12 days. The pain at times is unbearable and this was my husband and I first child together. This article touched on so much that I am feeling right now and the thought of trying again brings forth so many emotions.

    Reply
    • motheringspirit says

      22 October 2017 at 2:27 pm

      Charity, I am so heart-broken to hear of the loss of your sweet son. I know it is so overwhelming and unbearable sometimes. I will be keeping you in my prayers, for peace for your grieving mama’s heart. Thank you for sharing your story here.

      Reply
    • Melissa says

      19 August 2018 at 6:32 pm

      Wow Charity. I know this was nearly a year ago but I have a very similar story. Our son Carter went to heaven (2/15/16) at 22 weeks shortly after birth. The pain is too much sometimes but know you’re not alone!!

      Reply
  10. Lisa says

    28 March 2018 at 2:51 pm

    What if your religion says they aren’t sure if your child is in heaven? How do you do any of this?

    Reply
    • motheringspirit says

      3 April 2018 at 10:31 am

      Dear Lisa – I emailed you a reply directly, but in case you didn’t receive it, I wanted to respond here.
      Your question hit me right in the heart. My husband and I are finishing a book on miscarriage for couples, and this question of what happens to our babies after they die is such a huge one for so many of the couples we have worked with. We are Catholic, so our book speaks to how the Catholic Church has responded to this question. So if you are Catholic, I can absolutely share more about the Church’s position on this, the beautiful prayers & documents that have spoken right to grieving parents about this question. I have personally found the Church’s teachings to be full of hope for our baby who was born before being baptized, that this child is in heaven with God because God’s mercy is SO much bigger than we can even imagine. If you are not Catholic, I would encourage you to talk to a pastor or someone at your church about this question. You would definitely not be the first (or the last) person who has had this question weigh heavy on their heart. I know it is so, so hard. But you are not alone. I am carrying you in my prayers today.

      Reply
  11. Ashley says

    14 May 2018 at 10:56 pm

    This article was absolutely perfect for me right now. I have two living children and my almost three month old son died last year having been born with severe birth defects for no known reason. I’m newly pregnant and was feeling very at peace until tonight so when I found your article it was just what I needed to hear. Thank you. I’m bookmarking this page for future.

    Reply
    • motheringspirit says

      24 May 2018 at 11:41 am

      Praying for you, Ashley! I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. Pregnancy after loss is so challenging. This post actually inspired me to write a whole section about pregnancy after loss in a book my husband and I just finished writing. It will be published by Our Sunday Visitor in fall 2018, and I’ll be sure to share a link here when it’s available. Peace & hope to you and your heart today!

      Reply
  12. Mamokoena Kuali says

    3 July 2018 at 3:35 am

    I lost my son at 40 weeks and 5 days gestational age, he was my first child. Now I wonder what everyone else learnt from the loss of their children because I’m learning nothing. I’m productive again with school but I still don’t get what the point of the pregnancy was. I find it hard to even believe in the scriptures and a lot of scriptures in the bible use labour pains and the joy of holding your child figuratively, that makes me angry. I know he’s in heaven happy but what about me? What about his mother? My life right now is what I imagine hell would be. I struggle with everything, I don’t when last I went to church because they’ll be songs of goodness and right now in this moment of my life I know I’ll be lying if I sang them.

    Reply
    • motheringspirit says

      13 July 2018 at 6:50 am

      I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. You have every right to be angry. I raged with all the anger in the Psalms for months and months after our twins died. There are no easy answers in the face of death, especially the tragedy and trauma of the death of a baby. One of the few things I have learned about grief is that no stage is permanent, even the ones that feel like they will never end. I will keep you in my prayers for the strength to hold on and that God will somehow bring you peace and presence so that you can start to see through the darkness what light might be waiting for you. You don’t have to be anywhere else than where you are today, but you also won’t have to stay there forever. So much love to you.

      Reply
  13. Melissa says

    19 August 2018 at 6:38 pm

    WOW, WOW, WOW! I feel like you went in my head and completely articulated EVERYTHING I feel. I’m seeking for support because I’m currently pregnant. Our son went to heaven at 22 weeks and then we had 2 early losses since then. I’m a believer and this is the hardest loneliest journey. I believe God and trust him. I just have to remember that trusting isn’t a one time thing. Some days I remind myself to trust 2-3 times other days I have to do it every hour. Even every 30 minutes at times. I’m so grateful for your post!

    Reply
  14. lydie chimene says

    27 November 2018 at 8:32 am

    Thanks for this article. I just lost my first pregnancy on the 15 November 2018.i fell empty and always find myself crying. I was so happy to have my baby girl just 23 weeks pregnancy and I could not hold her after painful delivery knowing she was no more, tear my heart I hope God will bless me again.

    Reply
  15. Cindy says

    6 December 2018 at 4:16 pm

    This article is very relatable especially to what I am experiencing right now. I lost one of my twins in my womb, while the other one is 4 days after I got birth last Oct 30, 2018 with severe prematurity. I delivered my child only 28 weeks and because of this she had alot of complications.
    I never thought I will experience this kind of loss thats why after the incident its hard to get back to your daily routine. But miraculousy, with the help of my husband, my family, inlaws and friends burdens become easier.
    I cannot say Im okay as there are alot of times I still missed my babies and got angry with God and with myself especially when I heard I have friends with there wife that are having a healthy pregnancy. Its easier to get jealous. However, everytime I feel this way, I concentrate on the good things that happened to my life and pray to God to sustain me from my ordeals and help me to have trust again in times of uncertainty. I pray that each of us will have a peace of mind and trust with God that he is in control and nothing in this world is constant. This means eventually sun will come out after the storm.
    Keep believing!

    Reply
  16. Darlene says

    18 January 2019 at 6:08 pm

    Thank you for this post. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks about 4 months ago, it was my first pregnancy. I was so dreading a miscarriage once I found out I was pregnant (I tend to be a pessimistic worrier) that I was feeling all the negative, hopeless, anxious emotions you wrote about, even though I had never lost a baby before. The thing I regret most is that I didn’t allow myself to love my baby at all, for fear of losing him or her. Your advice is exactly what I think God has been trying to put into my heart since then: trust, love, surrender. When my husband and I are ready to try again, I sincerely pray that I’ll be able to choose to live in hope rather than fear.

    Reply
  17. Candace says

    2 February 2019 at 7:09 am

    I desperately needed to read this. Thank you. God bless.

    Reply
  18. Bhavana says

    10 February 2020 at 12:18 am

    Oops…
    So many stories
    I lost three kids in a row. No treatments helping me either.
    I get angry on god who has not given me right to bear my first child full term. Every time it is missed miscarriage. I will be hoping good but same hope vanish before my belly start showing up.
    I never heard this across my family nor friends, which keeps me cornered and grief unheard.
    As age is running self confidence lagging.
    Is god is there or i should stop believing that something good happens to me too.
    I feel that i am left alone where every year pain is given to the same space where i cant bear more… !!!

    Reply
  19. Leah Dopwell says

    13 May 2020 at 10:49 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this article. The beginning of 2018 my husband had a near death experience after our family came back from vacation. I became pregnant immediately when he returned home from the hospital. We have two beautiful girls and we were finally getting our prince. On 06/11/18 our prince was born sleeping three days shy of 24 weeks. It was the greatest pain I have experienced in my 37 years of living. It was even more devastating that this was my first vaginal delivery. I remember crying and even questioning why me. I can certainly relate to the jealousy I felt towards my friends and coworkers that went on to have healthy babies. However, I thank God for pulling me through and for also allowing me to witness to a fellow coworker who went through a similar ordeal. Looking back I can truly say that God held me through the experienced and I am even more amazed by my emotional recovery. It will be two years next month and my husband and I are trusting God to bless my womb again.

    Reply
  20. Jaime Butcher says

    25 December 2020 at 4:47 pm

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I just lost my baby girl Emily Elizabeth at 22 weeks and 6 days. We are devastated but I continue to pray every single day through the pain. I had three early miscarriages prior to becoming pregnant with Emily. No child replaces another child. We buried her this week four days before Christmas and it was the hardest thing any parent should have to do. I am nervous to become pregnant again but I also very much want to be a parent with my husband. This was the best post/article I have found on the internet. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Laura says

      30 December 2020 at 2:30 pm

      Jamie, I am so sorry to hear of your tremendous loss. Please know that I am praying for you and your sweet Emily Elizabeth. I can only imagine that this is an intensely hard time to grief, between all the hard of 2020 and the holidays too. You are not alone in the darkness, and I hope you will have some light and peace in the days and weeks to come.

      Reply
  21. Allie says

    4 February 2021 at 10:05 pm

    Thank you for sharing this.. my experience is very hard. I have 3 living boys and was expecting my first girl… we were very excited ( imagine after 3 boys) I had a normal pregnancy but everything changed after my delivery… I had a appointment at 39.5 weeks 1 day before my delivery and everything was perfect… next morning i got into labor and it happened super fast… ( 3 hours in labor ) baby was born… I didn’t push… she just came out… but she wasn’t breathing… and she never did . My daughter was born sleeping and I couldn’t do anything to bring her back… doctor said that cord probably got pinched during labor and my body recognized something was bad so that’s why my own body rushed me into delivery that fast… my little family is destroyed…. now it’s been 8 months since her passing and I am 6 weeks pregnant… I am full of emotions and very scare… I had a friend who had a lost at 12 weeks so in her next pregnancy she was very scare but after passing that mark she was able to enjoy her pregnancy a little more … but my case is different … I lost her during delivery so I don’t think I can enjoy this pregnancy as I wish… I just hope this baby is allow to stay on earth for my sanity and my kids sake… please keep me in your thoughts!

    Reply

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I’m Laura Kelly Fanucci. Mother, writer, wonderer. This space is where I explore mothering through writing. It’s where I celebrate how God shows up in the chaos of raising children. It’s where I love to build community with readers like you. Read More…

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thismessygrace

Mother, writer, wonderer.
Seeker of God in chaos & life with kids.
Author of Everyday Sacrament & Grieving Together.
Glimpses of grace & gratitude.

thismessygrace
Now you'd be three, I said to myself, seeing a chi Now you'd be three,
I said to myself,
seeing a child born
the same summer as you.

Now you'd be six,
or seven, or ten.
I watched you grow
in foreign bodies.

Leaping into a pool, all laughter,
or frowning over a keyboard,
but mostly just standing,
taller each time.

How splendid your most
mundane action seemed
in these joyful proxies.
I often held back tears.

From "Majority" by Dana Gioia, a poet-father who knows.

2.27.2016.
Always a birthday.
Even when not happy.
I am standing in a fluorescent-lit gym, dingy mesh I am standing in a fluorescent-lit gym, dingy mesh tank top hanging off my scrawny shoulders. I am eleven years old, listening to a grey-haired coach with a whistle round his neck.

"Here is how you pivot," he says, grabbing the ball & crouching down. "Plant your foot, solid like a rock. Don't ever move it."

I am trying to learn, because basketball is cool & I am not. I desperately want to be good at shooting, scoring, stealing, anything. But he is teaching me something I will not forget.

“The power of pivoting is you can turn any way you want. You can move where you need to go. You just have to keep this foot planted."

Today I pivot.

One day between birthdays. 24 slim hours to turn from joy to grief.

Yesterday the bouncing babe turned a whole year old. He has seen all sides of the sun by now. He gets to keep going: an ordinary miracle.

Tomorrow his sisters would have turned 5. A ghost of a birthday, shared by twins, lost to us, held & gone all at once.

All I can do is pivot.

Here is my foot planted firmly in the ground of now. I can turn in any direction I want: from joy to sorrow & back again. This is the only power I have, but it is enough for today.

I will wobble. I will feel the frantic rise in my throat of attack coming at me, blocking my view, trying to steal what I hold. For a few desperate moments I will want to pick up both feet & run far away, run fast as I can from what I never wanted.

But my pivot foot is stronger & steadier. It will stay where I have asked it to stay, from when I learned deeper truth.

Pivoting is still movement, still freedom, still control over a small corner of here. You are the one who decides to stop & plant your foot.

And the pivot is not forever. It is part of a move, not the end point. It is an interim, a passage, a survival strategy.

Part of me is forever awkward & eleven, scrawny & uncertain. But more of me is almost-forty, scarred & stronger. Knowing I can stop when I need to stop & go when I want to go, even in a full court press out of my control.

Today I pivot. I never want to forget the strength here too, the potential to turn between all that comes at me. The power of knowing this is not the end.
One day I’ll tell him the story. How after days One day I’ll tell him the story.

How after days of long labor, sick & scary, heaps of drugs to save both our lives, I stared bleary-eyed at the hospital clock: ten to two, clear as night, & made a decision.

How with no midwives in the room—unknown OBs now, nurses we didn’t know, no familiar face among them—and the clock ticking, I had to do what all those strong women I trusted had taught me to do.

How I decided to midwife my own birth.

How with no strength left, I struggled up through fog & pain, fumbled for my phone, scrolled through the dark until I found the song, & turned it up to rise above the beeping & the monitors & the awful alone sounds of awake at 1:50 am in the hospital.

How I closed my eyes & waited for the beat to come & prayed for the strength. To be my own midwife.

Drop beat. Beat drop. Pause.

The battle of Yorktown. 1781.

I cranked one weary smile. Closed my eyes as the song picked up. Turned my clumsy body to the left side to bring on a contraction.

Gotta meet my son.

Breathed through the pain. Timed it. Heaved to the right side to bring on another wave.

The world turned upside down.

Smiled when the night nurse came to check, surprised. Feigned shock when she raised her eyes that things were changing.

How as soon as she left the room, I glared at the clock, hit repeat, turned to one side, then another, kept contractions coming & coming, coaching my body hour after hour to do what I knew it could do.

History will show that this child was born from pitocin for induction & magnesium sulfate for preeclampsia & a failed epidural or two & eight shots of epinephrine when maternal blood pressure tanked.

But I will know that he was born from sheer grit & the strength of every midwife I’ve loved & the back beat of Hamilton at 1:50 am in a lonely hospital room.

The world turned upside down, then 100 more times in the tumultuous first year of his life.

But I did what I had to do & what I could do & I did it all for love of him. That day & every one that followed.

That is a story worth telling.

His birth. (Mine, too.)

2.25.20
A story and a word of thanks. You are amazing huma A story and a word of thanks. You are amazing humans.
Want to do some outrageous good with me? If our d Want to do some outrageous good with me?

If our daughters had lived, they would turn 5 years old this week. Our grief is enormous. But our gratitude for their lives is even bigger.

So in honor of Abby and Maggie's big birthday—one whole hand—I want to do something big.

Hunger has gnawed at my heart for the whole pandemic. It's all around us, growing every day. Yet often it flies under the radar of our concern because it's constant, while a thousand outrages and injustices rise up anew each day.

But I know our neighbors are struggling to put food on their tables. I believe we're called to feed the hungry.

And I'm convinced that in the worst of times, we can show up with our best selves.

So I want to do something outrageous. I want to raise $20,000 for Second Harvest Heartland, one of the largest food banks in the U.S., located right here in our beloved Twin Cities.

Their need has skyrocketed by 30% during the pandemic. Food shelves across the country are seeing record levels of need.

Feeding the hungry is a work of mercy. A work we must take up in earnest.

I know many of you are struggling, too. Stretched thin, worn through, tapped out. Most of us don't have a lot to spare these days. So here's where we can help each other.

If each one of you who follows along to read my words gave $1 to @secondharvestheartland we could meet this crazy goal TODAY.

Could we do it? Should we do something spectacular this week?

I'm willing to try. I bet you are, too. If you give small—or big if you've got it, or simply share this post if you can't give right now—we could do it in HOURS.

That's the power of social media for good. The power of loving our neighbors in tangible ways.

Let's do it. I'm with you. Right now I'm giving in honor of two sweet girls that I wish were swinging their feet at our kitchen table, scarfing down dinner alongside their brothers.

Do it in honor of the kids you love. Or the kids you'll help but never meet.

Make it part of your alms-giving this Lent. Or make it today's small sacrifice: the cost of one cup of coffee.

I'm ready to do some wild good in this hardest week. Thank you for loving with me.
Caught myself dizzy from scrolling here and rememb Caught myself dizzy from scrolling here and remembered—we aren’t an island of misfit toys. We’re one big book of psalms.
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