Sitting at my desk, working on words of loss, I watch a thousand cottonwood seeds drift by the window. White wisps rising on the breeze, lifted from my sight. Summer's snow globe, shaken and set to spin. I remember noticing them, as if for the first time, the summer after our twins died. One afternoon the blue sky was filled with a million floating puffs, light and airy. As I stumbled staring up at them, circling, I could see, startling: it's like every small soul who's leaving this side of life and rushing to whatever comes next. Right before my eyes. Suddenly I could see. The flash of an instant when the tiny and the cosmic connect. They weren't nothing, these babies we lost, so many of us, millions. They weren't just seeds either, mere possibility and potential. They were life, they were hope, they were real, they were all around us, they were too many to count. We wanted them to stay, but they floated just beyond our reach, and every time we grasped after them, the … [Read more...] about in an instant
life after loss
when the hurricane hits
Last week we watched Irma, that swirling monster of a storm, with twisted stomachs and sick hearts. Friends we love live in Florida. We wanted them to be safe, their homes to stay dry, their schools and workplaces untouched. We read their anxious updates, prayed for protection, watched the weather forecast. It looked like the worst was coming. And then the storm turned. Everyone we know is ok. I am deeply grateful for this fact. And I am secretly jealous. Because this is the path I thought our story would take. It looks bad, it’s looking worse, dear God it looks absolutely horri – oh wait! Everything is fine. He came through surgery. Her chemo shrunk the tumor. They were able to have a baby. He didn’t end up on that plane. No one was home when the tree fell. The doctor was wrong. She beat the odds. Rehab worked. His job was safe. The driver swerved. Their twins survived. Instead, our hurricane gained strength. It swirled and churned and everyone prayed and prayed … [Read more...] about when the hurricane hits
all that we carry
I put off packing the hospital bag as long as I could. I didn't want to jinx it. I didn't want to think about the last time I packed it. Mostly I didn't know what to put inside. The usual necessities, of course. Pajamas. Hairbrush. Baby clothes. But I was bringing so much more with me to this birth. Fear. Anxiety. Grief. How could I carry all this with me? Our twins died nearly 18 months ago in the same hospital where I was preparing to birth our new baby. I knew I needed to bring our daughters with me in some way. So I tucked these sweet dolls inside my bag. A rosary bracelet from a dear friend. The same shirt I wore when I held my girls last. Prayers to anchor me when I wanted to quit. I had to carry more this time. I wasn't sure how to do it - or if I would be strong enough. But I knew I had to try. I remember every early-morning ultrasound we took of our twins in those final weeks. We'd throw the hospital bag in the backseat (again), pull out of the driveway before dawn … [Read more...] about all that we carry
what one good doctor taught me about grief
We were brand-new to the clinic, looking for a new doctor after our beloved pediatrician had retired. Our three living children are healthy as galloping horses—a simple fact made astonishing after the deaths of their two sick sisters. But they still need well-checks and vaccines and strep tests and a place to call about rashes and fevers and flu. So here I was, hugely pregnant, waddling in the door with a newly minted three year-old, ready for his yearly check-up. He clung to my leg, worried about shots and whether I would stay with him the whole time. My concerns were less immediate, more long-term. The baby kicking within me would soon need a doctor, too (God, please, let it be so). A name to scribble for “pediatrician” on the hospital forms. Someone to see for the routine and not-so-routine visits that consume the first few months of babyhood. So would I drop the grief bomb today? Or would I wait till I had a wailing newborn safely in my arms? How could I start to … [Read more...] about what one good doctor taught me about grief
