He laughs now, this rolling plump of a babe. Chortles like a chuckling gentleman when I tickle under his chin. The laughter is intoxicating; we are all addicted. His doting brothers swarm the changing table for a chance to coax out another. In the instant when his round eyes brighten and his soft mouth opens to laugh, I am swept inside. Everything becomes this moment: joy that totalizes. As soon as the moment evaporates, I come back to present and realize: Once upon a time I did not believe I would feel the pure shine of happiness again. What grace of a second chance. What gift from grief. The still-joys. . . . The world is a wasteland, again and always. If you only trust the headlines and the handwringers. Meanwhile most of us go on, quietly doing the unnoticed work that underpins everything. Emails and deadlines. Laundry and dishes. Building and mending. Helping and forgiving. My mother used to tell me that every generation was convinced it was the … [Read more...] about come, the still-joys
joy
this is the story i have to tell you
There are so many stories I want to tell you. Stories of our daughters' births, lives, and deaths. Stories that have ended and stories that are just beginning. Some stories will take months and years before I can share. Some stories I will hold sacred and secret until the end of my days. But this is the story I have to tell you now. Margaret Susan and Abigail Kathleen were born on Saturday evening via c-section. When we finally got to sleep late that night, they were stable in the NICU. By Sunday morning, they were not. We spent Sunday afternoon holding Maggie as she died in our arms. People say there are no words for this, but there are. They are just achingly hard words. People say that parents should not have to go through this, but they do. It is just overwhelmingly awful. But what everyone agrees upon is that having to do this two days in a row - having to hold two children while their breathing slows and their hearts stop - is unbearable. Beyond the pale. Nothing … [Read more...] about this is the story i have to tell you
joy, meet relief
Can you hear it in their voices? Once you cut through the baffled wonder and divide the nagging disbelief and set aside the stuttering astonishment, there it is: relief. He is risen. He is risen? He is risen! It's not a matter of simple punctuation. There are a thousand reactions to surprising news, and the Gospels cover nearly every one. Mary thinks she's talking to the gardener. John and Peter race each other to the tomb. Thomas can't believe his eyes. But by the end of each of their stories, there is always a category shift. The turn to joy. Happiness is often distinguished from joy. One is fleeting; the other is lasting. One is surface; the other is depth. But here's a difference I hadn't noticed until this Easter. Until I nursed the baby in the wee grey hours of Sunday morning, the baby who had slept all night, finally, blessedly, miraculously slept all night after months of terrible waking. Until my only thought as my whole self relaxed to let him feed was relief. And … [Read more...] about joy, meet relief
stubborn alleluias
A few days before Lent, I sat my son down for a serious conversation over crackers. "So buddy, Lent starts on Wednesday. Lent is a time when we get ready for Easter. And during Lent we don't sing Alleluia. So we're not going to sing Alleluia for a while." His sea-blue eyes sparkled up at mine. His milk-smeared mouth turned up at the corners, and he cocked his head full of curls to one side. "Should we sing Alleluia?" he cooed. "No," I replied patiently. "I just said we're NOT going to sing it for a while. Because it's Lent. And we don't sing Alleluias during Lent. We save our Alleluias for Easter." "Should we sing Alleluia?" "No." "Should we - " "NO." "Sh-" "NO! I SAID NO ALLELUIAS DURING LENT!" Snack and failed attempt at liturgical catechesis both met an untimely end. The cherub scampered out of the kitchen and raced up the stairs, warbling as he went: "AH-AH-YAY-YOO-YA, AHHHH-YAY-YOO-YA!" The rest of Lent? You guessed it. Our house has been filled with Alleluias. Cranky … [Read more...] about stubborn alleluias
