He laughs now, this rolling plump of a babe. Chortles like a chuckling gentleman when I tickle under his chin. The laughter is intoxicating; we are all addicted. His doting brothers swarm the changing table for a chance to coax out another. In the instant when his round eyes brighten and his soft mouth opens to laugh, I am swept inside. Everything becomes this moment: joy that totalizes. As soon as the moment evaporates, I come back to present and realize: Once upon a time I did not believe I would feel the pure shine of happiness again. What grace of a second chance. What gift from grief. The still-joys. . . . The world is a wasteland, again and always. If you only trust the headlines and the handwringers. Meanwhile most of us go on, quietly doing the unnoticed work that underpins everything. Emails and deadlines. Laundry and dishes. Building and mending. Helping and forgiving. My mother used to tell me that every generation was convinced it was the … [Read more...] about come, the still-joys
joy
the homecoming
He stands at the top of the stairs, bare feet dancing in dinosaur pajamas. His bright eyes meet my own as I climb. His face beams with delight, blue stars flashing with brimming joy. MAMA! He shrieks with joy. MAMA! You are HERE! He tips his head backward, golden curls bouncing with glee. He laughs with bliss, bursts of chortles from deep within his being. You are HOME! He turns back to me, wide-eyed and grinning. You came HOME! He spins in delirious circles of disbelief as we laugh, all of us grinning and watching, his sitter standing ready to leave, his father kneeling next to him, and his mother climbing stair after stair toward him as he squeals, unable to contain his eruption of love. He dances like a drum major, knees high, arms pumping through the air. He is electric and reborn. He is enthusiasm personified: God-in-us, seized by Spirit, overflowing with loving, inhabited presence of indwelling divine. In him there is no space for anything save joy. … [Read more...] about the homecoming
the dark side of light
Listen closely. What I have to say is just as important - if not more - than this story. The one that started it all. And brought so many of you here. Every single story has a dark side. And the dark side of the unexpected joy we found during Abby's death - it matters just as much as the light. Remember that father who came up to us in the parking lot after Mass? The one who teared up when he shared his own loss of a daughter to stillbirth? Right before he turned to go, he added one last thing. Perhaps the most important thing. He said, "After I heard your story, I turned to my wife and asked, 'What did we miss? Why didn't we feel like that when we lost our daughter?'" Standing in the freezing cold parking lot, March wind whipping around my hair, tired kids pulling on my arms to hurry up and get in the car, I saw that this stranger had shown me the dark side of the light. Why didn't we feel like that? . . . Grammar can help to clarify. We did nothing to "earn" the … [Read more...] about the dark side of light
you will not steal his joy
You know how every child is superlative in their own way? The cutest, the smartest, the loudest. Our second son is the happiest. This boy brims over with grins. Every photo we snap shows bright eyes and beaming smiles. He wakes up with delight and he chortles to himself all day long. And it's not just his biased parents who notice it. Strangers stop me in the store or cluck his chin after church, remarking that he's just such a happy baby. While his older brother was a fairly cheerful chap, there was still a cautious look about him. Many of his early pictures reveal a startled shock in his eyes, unsure if this whole Existence Ex-Utero thing was to be trusted. But #2 is 100% delighted at life. Ceiling fans! The dog that licks his face! Peek-a-boo! Babies in the mirror! Everything is funny, joyful, rollicking to our young lad. And lately his giggles and grins have made me wonder if I give enough space in my day for joy. Celebrating the joys in my life was one of my New Year's … [Read more...] about you will not steal his joy
