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the problem (and the promise) of mother’s day

28 Comments

I am a mother. Mother’s Day is not supposed to be hard.

Glossy ads and glittery cards tell me this. I am supposed to enjoy a light and easy day! Put up my feet and pamper myself! Delight my children’s affection! Bask in my husband’s gratitude! Eat breakfast in bed or indulge in sweet desserts or let the waiter offer me a mimosa on the house because…motherhood.

But the reality? It’s much more complicated.

. . .

Do you know who I think about every Mother’s Day?

I think about my mom, of course. I think about how she still has to pause before answering the supposedly simple question of “How many children do you have?” Because my brother died decades ago, but he is still her son.

I think about a dear friend who dreams of adopting, who has been another mother to my boys, who lost a baby to miscarriage. Because the world would not include her among those we celebrate with brunch or flowers, but she is more mother than almost anyone else I know.

I think about the baby we lost, the life so small that some would never consider it real. Because I am still that child’s mother, but no one sees his or her shadow behind the three bright faces of my living boys.

I think about women I know who have had abortions. Who suffered abuse at the hands of men who were supposed to care for them, or who made decisions that haunt them for the rest of their lives, or whose future families were forever shaped by what came before. I mourn that we do not have good ways for them to talk about their pain and grief and loss.

I think about couples I know who have been trying to conceive for years. Who hate the Hallmark holidays of May and June because they are bombarded with constant reminders that they are still not mothers and fathers. That they might never be. I wish we could remember to pray for those with aching hearts when we bless parents, too.

Every year on Mother’s Day I am tugged in opposite directions. I struggle with how to celebrate such a complicated day.

It is a problem.

. . .

Because Mother’s Day is also a day for the mothers of children who died. Who will not get a homemade painting or a Hallmark card this year or any spring day to come.

It is also a day for the women who wanted to become mothers but never did. The ones who will hurry out of church before Sunday’s final blessing because it’s too painful to stay seated while smiling women stand all around them.

It is also a day for the mothers of stillborn babies, miscarried babies, and children who didn’t even get a dash between dates on their gravestones, whose birthday was their only day on earth. The ones who carry the memories, generations later, of what might have been.

It is also a day for daughters who lost their mothers. The ones who still grieve decades later and who mourn the grandmother their children never got to know.

It is also a day for everyone who had a complicated relationship with their mother. The ones who felt failed or forgotten or forsaken by the one person that we assume was never supposed to betray them.

So whenever May rolls around, I try to hold space for all of these people. I pray for hope and peace to be theirs. I try to love the ones around me, those I have been given to mother and those who teach me how to mother. I try to remember the shadow side of every celebration. I pray not to make assumptions about other people’s lives.

This is the only way I know how to celebrate Mother’s Day.

image

Because when I think about what we want to celebrate on this holiday – and it is certainly worth celebrating – it is the love and compassion and generosity of the mothering spirits who have cared for us, whether mothers or grandmothers or aunts or godmothers or birth mothers or stepmothers or others.

And here’s the real rub. All those who fit this loving ideal? They would want us to include all those who are hurting and excluded, too. This is what they taught us to do. To live compassionately. To love deeply.

This is the only way Mother’s Day makes sense.

This is a promise.

. . .

This post is full of links (highlighted in blue above) to stories about the shadow side of Mother’s Day. Please take a moment to click and read a reflection or two, and share with someone who might need to know they’re not alone in their struggles.

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Comments

  1. Claire says

    9 May 2015 at 6:07 am

    Thank you for this. (With tears streaming down my face…)

    Reply
    • Laura says

      9 May 2015 at 8:30 pm

      Thank you so much, Claire. Peace.

      Reply
  2. Elisha says

    9 May 2015 at 8:40 am

    Such a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
    • Laura says

      9 May 2015 at 8:30 pm

      I’m so grateful for your words, too, Elisha. Thank you.

      Reply
  3. Geena Gabrielle says

    9 May 2015 at 8:49 am

    Beautifully written reminder. Sending prayers.

    Reply
    • Laura says

      9 May 2015 at 8:31 pm

      Thank you, Geena! I am grateful for your prayers.

      Reply
  4. Bev says

    9 May 2015 at 10:13 am

    Thank you for once again speaking your heart and wisdom. I see myself and those I love in so many of your references! Blessings to you and your family.

    Reply
    • Laura says

      9 May 2015 at 8:31 pm

      Oh Bev, thank you for these words. They mean so much to me. Blessings on your family, too.

      Reply
  5. Karen Ganon says

    9 May 2015 at 7:00 pm

    Beautiful, thought-provoking message. I believe everyone who reads this, including me, will be more careful, more compassionate, more grateful…. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Laura says

      9 May 2015 at 8:32 pm

      Karen, your words speak to my heart – that is my hope, too. Thank you for stopping here.

      Reply
  6. Heather Elliott says

    9 May 2015 at 7:38 pm

    Wow! What an incredible article. I have been at two ends of this; I miscarried my first child, and had a mother that felt that her animals and men were more important than her three children. I noticed you do not have any links in that paragraph.
    I am now the very proud mother of four awesome child; 3 boys and a girl. They are my life and the reason I take a breath every morning.
    I am so thankful for ladies like you with the ability of writing something so beautiful.

    Reply
    • Laura says

      9 May 2015 at 8:34 pm

      Heather, I am so grateful that you shared your story and wisdom here. And thank you for letting me know that link is missing – turns out the essay I had linked to there isn’t available now, so I’m searching for a new one to add. It’s so important to give voice to that suffering, too. Thank you.

      Reply
  7. Liz says

    9 May 2015 at 9:21 pm

    Beautifully written and so very true. I have two beautiful living children, one flesh of my flesh and one carried in my heart, then adopted. I have one dear daughter who lived 3 hrs, and 4 miscarried babies. They are all my children, I will just have to wait to know some of them better. I can relate to not having children. That was me for so long. And then losing a child – a mother’s worst nightmare. These experiences have made me a better person, a more compassionate person, a more understanding person. God bless all women. We all share mothing in one form or another. Thank you for writing “The Problem (And The Promise) Of Mother’s Day,”, Laura. Happy Mother’s Day to you!

    Reply
  8. Kerry says

    10 May 2015 at 2:29 pm

    For years, I have gone through Mother’s Day with a heart aching to yell — “Doesn’t anyone know how hard this day is” but not wanting to spoil the celebration of others. I have had five pregnancies and five miscarriages. I, too, pause with that question “Are you a Mother?”. I went to Church with my Mom today and when they had the blessing for mothers, I remained sitting. Yet, I know the ages of each my babies if they would have been born: 1 yr 10 months, 9 years, 9 1/2 years, 10 1/2 years, and 11 years. No, one mentions them to me but years later they are still in my heart and still my children who I have yet to meet. Thank you for keeping women like me in your thoughts and prayers on Mother’s Day. Sending love to all those with the mothering spirit, Kerry

    Reply
  9. thecrunchysoup says

    10 May 2015 at 7:29 pm

    Thank you for this!

    Reply
  10. JodiMelsness says

    26 May 2015 at 5:15 pm

    Laura,
    I just lost my Mom right before Mother’s Day. She was my heart and soul. I write about her, They Lemon Bar Queen on WordPress. I love what you write. I’m adopted and knowing how much my Mom wanted kids, Mother’s Day was very special to her. I love that you are local, I’m in Plymouth. Thanks for writing.

    Reply
    • Laura says

      26 May 2015 at 8:13 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Jodi. You and your mom will continue to be in my prayers.

      Reply
  11. Laura says

    18 January 2016 at 2:12 pm

    Thank you for this. You’re an angel on earth.

    Reply
    • motheringspirit says

      23 January 2016 at 11:34 am

      You are so kind, Laura. I am grateful to know this touched your heart.

      Reply
  12. Nicci says

    30 January 2016 at 4:17 pm

    Thank you for writing this. As someone who has been trying to conceive for two years now, it was truly touching.

    Reply
    • motheringspirit says

      30 January 2016 at 8:22 pm

      Praying for you, Nicci. I know it is so, so hard. Peace to your heart tonight.

      Reply
  13. Nicci says

    30 January 2016 at 9:12 pm

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless you.

    Reply
  14. Megan says

    27 April 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I had a friend recommend your blog. I had a missed miscarriage last week and the Lord has peacefully been putting all of my pieces together again. I cannot begin to express the sorrow that has filled my husband and my heart during this time. As hard as it is I find much comfort in knowing that my little one is going to be held by Jesus on that day. I wanted to say thank you for being vulnerable and for your blog.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. the shadow side | mothering spirit says:
    13 May 2015 at 6:01 am

    […] Detroit and Beijing, my husband read this post in the airport on his phone, the post about my struggle with the shadow side of Mother’s Day. Later he told me that his first thought was that it was the kind of piece that went […]

    Reply
  2. Happy Mothers Day | Thredhed says:
    24 April 2018 at 4:42 am

    […] I’m not going to say anything about Mothers Day this year. I think that Laura, HERE at the blog Mothering Spirit does a far better job than I could. Instead, […]

    Reply
  3. A Good Book and Mother’s Day – Love Them Freely says:
    29 January 2019 at 4:54 pm

    […] the problem (and the promise) of mother’s day […]

    Reply
  4. 5 favorite books on motherhood | Mothering Spirit says:
    5 May 2019 at 8:09 pm

    […] I’ve written before about the complicated nature of this holiday (and the need to remember all kinds of mothers on Mother’s Day). But it remains a beautiful time to celebrate the women who have mothered us—and the mothers that many of us are becoming. […]

    Reply
  5. For All Women: Mother’s Day! – Love Them Freely says:
    7 May 2019 at 10:43 pm

    […] always think of this post, which was written by an amazing writer named Laura, when Mother’s Day rolls around. […]

    Reply

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I’m Laura Kelly Fanucci. Mother, writer, wonderer. This space is where I explore mothering through writing. It’s where I celebrate how God shows up in the chaos of raising children. It’s where I love to build community with readers like you. Read More…

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I have a habit of walking the ATL tunnels, but nev I have a habit of walking the ATL tunnels, but never made it to terminal T until yesterday. What I found stopped me in my tracks and spun my day around.

May we let ourselves be interrupted by joy and remember the beauty of being human.

Even in the least likely places.
If our daughters had lived, we never would have pl If our daughters had lived, we never would have planted this garden. 

There are pockets of beauty in my life today that could not have existed if they had survived.

Acknowledging this does not mean I accept their loss. Or that I wouldn’t trade it all to have them here instead.

But the grieving know this strange, stubborn, saving truth: that goodness can grow in the gaping holes left by the ones we love.

I don’t know any simple ways to make sense of the hard times in which we’re living. As a porous soul, I feel it all and it breaks my heart, even as I cling to what I know is true.

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I have learned this much from the garden I never planned to plant, from a version of life I never dreamed.
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