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what to do for kids when their sibling dies

what to do for kids when a sibling dies

My older brother died when I was ten. My twin daughters died when their brothers were 6, 4, and 2.

I’m not a professionally trained grief expert, but I know a few things from what life (and death) has taught me.

After our daughters died, we struggled to know how to help our young sons in their anger, sadness, confusion, and grief. The following list of ideas was born from our efforts, the advice of therapists, and the help of friends who had suffered similar losses. If you’re wondering what to do for kids when their sibling dies, I hope these ideas can help.

Here’s what you can give to kids who are grieving: something they want, something they need, something to keep, or something to read.

Something They Want

After a sibling dies, kids need your time and attention more than anything else. Clearing space to simply sit with them, talk with them, give extra cuddles and love – this is kids’ #1 love language during the trauma of losing a sibling. Here are ways to spend quality time with children during the chaotic time of grief:

  • Give siblings one-on-one opportunities. Take each one on a special errand when you have the energy, or simply spend a few private minutes with each one.
  • Meet at bedtime. For months after our babies died, we found that our sons needed to talk about them at day’s end. In quiet moments in the dark, they could ask questions about death or heaven and share how they were feeling. Older children and teenagers let down their guard at the end of the day, too. Listen when they talk.
  • Pray together. Instead of worrying about how to explain death or heaven to children, praying together can be a simple way to speak the name of their sibling and remember that God still cares for all of us, even when we are sad, angry, or confused.

Kids also want distraction. They need opportunities to laugh and play when stress and sadness hang heavy in the house. Grief takes more time and energy for adults, so kids benefit from an outlet for fun.

Here are some easy ideas for distraction:

  • Kids love mail: If you’re far away, send a package to the kids (my cousins sent a box full of small games, wind-up toys, and new books – inexpensive, but thrilled our kids for days!). If you’re local or lost-distance, there are sympathy cards specific to children, too.
  • Family games: Our middle son’s godparents gave the kids a new board game and card game for our whole family to enjoy. (We played Uno Attack for three.solid.weeks, but it was a great distraction for all of us.)

Something They Need

Kids need space to talk. Their ability to understand death depends on their age and maturity level, but even the youngest need opportunities to voice their feelings.

Extra time on lets adults meet kids at their level and learn what kids needed to get through this tough time. (This article gives a great introduction to help children cope with the loss of a baby.)

Here are ideas for talking about grief:

  • Be honest. Talk about death in simple, truthful terms. Euphemisms like “lost,” “sleeping,” or “angel” can confuse children. Depending on your family’s beliefs, you may find it helpful to talk about how each person has a lifetime (some short, some long), how bodies can stop working, or how death is a natural part of life.
  • Share your own grief. Instead of hiding your tears for fear of upsetting your children, explain that adults cry when they are sad, too. Let them know that it is okay because it means we love and miss the person who has died. Later you can share when you feel better, so that children can see how happy and sad moments are healthy parts of life after loss.
  • Talk to a therapist. A professional counselor can offer important support for kids dealing with grief. Play therapists and psychologists who specialize in children are great places to start. Hospital bereavement staff or chaplains can provide local recommendations for children’s therapists in your area.

Kids also need exercise: time off to release energy and natural feelings of aggression or frustration that arise from grief.

Here are ideas for helping kids exercise:

  • Get outside. Our twins died in February, a rough month for outdoor time in Minnesota. (So we played lots of “basement sports!”) But our therapist wisely advised us to make sure we all got outside as much as we could once spring came: to breathe in fresh air and move outside of the spaces that held our grieving. Whenever it was nice, out we went together – and it made a huge difference.
  • Burn off energy: My sister recognized that our boys needed someone to “beat up on” in the early days and weeks after their sisters died. So whenever she visited, she let them wrestle and climb all over her. I try to keep tabs on this now: to notice when they need to burn off steam and let them tackle me (before they attack each other).

Something To Keep

Kids need something to hold when their world feels like it’s spinning out of control. Tangible, concrete gifts mean a lot to grieving parents, but they can mean just as much to grieving siblings.

  • Stuffed animals: We bought teddy bears with the twins’ names embroidered on them and a “heartbeat” inside so our kids could hear this comforting sound. Naming the bears after their sisters has been a lovely way for all of us to hear their names in a fun, playful way each day. (See Build-A-Bear to create your own personalized gift.)
  • Prayer partners: My in-laws gave our family a battery-operated candle that we used for our evening prayers together. The kids loved being able to light it themselves, and it became a lovely symbol of light in the darkness. For Catholics, check out my friend Annie’s beautiful Rosary Roses. She sent us a set as a gift after Maggie and Abby died, and our sons love holding the roses when we pray at night.
  • Personalized gifts: Inspired by Abby and Maggie’s story, the Etsy owner behind My Little Felt Friends is now making these beautiful Saints in Heaven: personalized felt dolls for families who have lost children.

Something To Read

Loving Baby Louie: Hope in the Midst of Grief is the best kids’ book on losing a baby that we have found. It speaks from a Catholic perspective about a family knowing their baby would die shortly after birth. But the family’s love for their baby and celebration of his short life can connect with many families’ experiences of death.

The Story Of…Books offers personalized books for children dealing with the death of a loved one. Our kids loved the gentle story, especially seeing their sisters’ names in print. I was grateful for the option to make the book about twins. Now you can personalize the book even more: for the loss of an adult (parent, grandparent, or other favorite person), loss of a child, multiple loss, or loss of a twin.

The Chronicles of Narnia became our family’s bedtime read for the summer after our daughters died. It turned into a beautiful, healing practice, since the books translate abstract concepts of faith, God, heaven, and death into simple conversations that speak to both children and parents. Aslan helped all of us to make sense of our grief.

What has helped your family or children you love after the death of a sibling? What suggestions would you add to this list?

Disclaimer: This page includes Amazon affiliate links. I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

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About Laura

I’m Laura Kelly Fanucci. Mother, writer, wonderer. This space is where I explore mothering through writing. It’s where I celebrate how God shows up in the chaos of raising children. It’s where I love to build community with readers like you. Read More…

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thismessygrace

Mother, writer, wonderer.
Seeker of God in chaos & life with kids.
Author of Everyday Sacrament & Grieving Together.
Glimpses of grace & gratitude.

thismessygrace
I want to tell you what it means to weep with thos I want to tell you what it means to weep with those who weep.

It means you will be changed. You must be changed.

Weeping with those who weep does not mean passing the thin Kleenex of your pity.

Nor does it mean steamrolling their grief with your opinion.

Nor does it mean telling them to pull themselves up, be strong, or get over it.

It means you plunk yourself down next to them, quiet yourself, listen and let yourself be moved.

Which means changed. Which means converted.

This is why the exhortation is holy. Why we call it God’s Word and not just A Nice Thing To Do.

We read Romans 12 at our wedding. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Had we known then what we know now, would we have spoken words of weeping on a day of rejoicing?

Absolutely.

Our calling as Christ-followers is to be transformed by the suffering of others—and to do what we can to lessen their pain. We are here to live the breadth and depth and sorrow and joy of what it means to be human.

If you see the staggering sorrow around you and wonder where to start, sit down near the mourning, quiet yourself, listen and let yourself be moved. What they want most is to be heard and honored, supported and seen.

Weep with those who weep.

Do not seek to minimize, justify, or dismiss. Do not seek to save yourself from the mess. You are already part of it.

But you can be part of the healing, too. When you weep with those who weep.

Then ask God to show you what to do next.
Where can a mother go to grieve? She craves comfo Where can a mother go to grieve?

She craves comfort for body and soul. She seeks the sanctuary of safe space. She wants the wisdom of women who have walked this way before. She needs time to honor her love, remember her child, and wrestle with her grief.

This May, I want to offer this space of solace.

Oasis is a virtual retreat for grieving mothers. On May 1-2 (Bereaved Mother’s Day), we’ll gather to create a place of prayer and support.

In the comfort of our own homes, we’ll reflect with simple, creative practices to connect with God, each other, and our children. Together we’ll share Scripture, small groups, and space for reflecting in peace and quiet.

We’ll drink from the Word. We’ll find beauty in art and song.

We’ll learn from other mothers who understand the loss of a child.

We’ll keep finding a way in the wilderness together.

Oasis is a crossroads of connection on our journey. A place where we can pause and be refreshed. A moment’s rest where we can seek God’s peace and presence.

You can make this retreat right in the middle of your life, joining us for as much as you need.

Registration is now open on my website. Sliding scale fees & scholarships are available if you need. You can also gift the retreat to a grieving mother you love.

Whether you lost a baby before birth or a child in adulthood, your story matters here.

Step into the comfort of Oasis.

#griefsupport #grievingmother #griefretreat #childloss
Coming to you Friday morning. A big piece of my he Coming to you Friday morning. A big piece of my heart, ready to welcome you in.

Today as I sit in quiet anticipation, I’m remembering echoes of The Day Before.

The day before birth, waiting and wondering whether baby was on the way.

The day before death, hoping and praying for peace and the power of a miracle.

Tomorrow holds slivers of birth and death, all woven together, tight to my heart.

It’s a new creation I’ve dreamed about for years, but never got to bring to life until now.

Most importantly, it’s my prayer to you—that you know you aren’t alone in the broken places.

Coming soon.
The year after our daughters died was filled with The year after our daughters died was filled with stunning skies.

Violet sunsets and rosy dawns. Navy stormclouds and lavender evenings. Buttercream wisps and pewter fogs.

I spent hours that year craning my eyes up, tilting my head back to take in the wide view. Had I never looked up before, never noticed the shifting seasons in the stars?

The world was ripped open, jarring and raw—but the year of violet skies was a sole beauty.

Grief can peel back parts of existence you did not know before. We call it darkness or depression, heaping layers of shadow upon realities that reach beyond words. But what it is runs deeper: the gold-flecked vein of life cutting through the gray stone of loss.

We are shining. We are barely scraping by.

As spring unfurls into shocking buds and pale green hope, I keep remembering that wild palette of horizons five years gone.

Bruised skies, slashing rains. Watercolor sunsets bleeding into night. A pale peach sunrise so breathless and perfect I thought it might be the last on earth.

And then it wasn't. And then the next day rose and set anew. Life keeps going, even when ours stops. Equal parts blessing and curse.

We get to choose so little of what happens to us. But we have the power to notice.

Seeing can be enough to save a life.
Spent Holy Saturday musing on mothering & grief. H Spent Holy Saturday musing on mothering & grief. How birth can be like death (and death like birth). How food can become Love.
Easter Monday is for the rest of us. The slow to Easter Monday is for the rest of us.

The slow to believe.
The skeptics. The doubters.

The ones who can’t run to see for themselves.

The stuck. The uncertain.
The lost or forgotten.

The quiet who shy away from the crowds.

Easter was spotlights and sugar and singing. But remember: this season is only beginning.

You are not too late, too lost, or too gone.

You’re part of the reason this long way rolls on.

So if you rise grateful—that holiday’s over—or if you sink deeper, dreading the dawn:

Today (and tomorrow, all 50 days after) are here to remind you that this road is long.
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