Remember that manuscript I told you about? The draft of a memoir, the story of our daughters. I wrote tens of thousands of words in the years after they died, words I never shared with a soul. Then I shoved them in a drawer and plowed into another book, two. Anything to hold off on the hardest story I had to tell. I pulled that manuscript out last year. On Instagram I told you how I dusted it off, skimmed through, heart sinking, and thought: ugh. No good. All wrong. I decided I had to let it go, trash it again, start over fresh. So I did. Started clean last spring with a brand new document, brand new folder, brand new ambition, brand new determination. Guess what? Wrong again. Turns out I couldn't read my own words with true eyes. One night in prayer, I told God I was ready to jump in and start this brand-new book—and clear as day, I heard one word. No. No? NO?! What do you mean NO? I was ready for this, I protested. I had a plan for starting anew, … [Read more...] about the wonder of wrong
the pitter-patter
Their feet crush me. Tiny toes curling, ancient reflex. Baby socks lost in the dryer like doll clothing. Toddler tiptoes to reach the sink. Preschool slip-ons for circle time. Sport shoes for season after season—cleats, sneakers, boots. I know their feet intimately. Kiss them at diaper changes, sweet antidote to stink. Bathe them in bubbles and dry them with duck towels. Wrestle on socks and shoes for years and years. Corral each kid and clip twenty nails, fingers and toes. Motherhood in daily details, mundane math, rote routine. But I never remember their shoe sizes; I am always shocked at the store, at their growth. When we brought our second son home from the hospital, his big brother’s feet startled me. Suddenly giant, boy-ish, behemoth. Overnight they had soared in size. I stared at his feet, disbelieving as he crawled into my lap to get a closer look at the baby. How had he turned into a toddler when I wasn’t looking? Half blessing, half betrayal. Today he steals my … [Read more...] about the pitter-patter
in an instant
Sitting at my desk, working on words of loss, I watch a thousand cottonwood seeds drift by the window. White wisps rising on the breeze, lifted from my sight. Summer's snow globe, shaken and set to spin. I remember noticing them, as if for the first time, the summer after our twins died. One afternoon the blue sky was filled with a million floating puffs, light and airy. As I stumbled staring up at them, circling, I could see, startling: it's like every small soul who's leaving this side of life and rushing to whatever comes next. Right before my eyes. Suddenly I could see. The flash of an instant when the tiny and the cosmic connect. They weren't nothing, these babies we lost, so many of us, millions. They weren't just seeds either, mere possibility and potential. They were life, they were hope, they were real, they were all around us, they were too many to count. We wanted them to stay, but they floated just beyond our reach, and every time we grasped after them, the … [Read more...] about in an instant
a prayer for mother’s day
Each year on Mother's Day, my heart goes out to those who struggle with this holiday. Inspired by this column on "How to Widen Our Hearts On Mother's Day," I've gathered prayers from readers into a litany to be prayed at church or at home - to remember all the mothers. Feel free to adapt for use within your parish or congregation. Please simply credit the source: Copyright © 2019 Laura Kelly Fanucci, MotheringSpirit.com. Response: Lord, in Your mercy, hear our prayer. For women who long to be mothers.For all who desire to be married and raise a family.For all who are experiencing infertility. For all who are waiting to adopt or foster a child. For mothers who have lost a baby.For all who have suffered a miscarriage.For all who lost a child to stillbirth or SIDS. For all whose baby died after birth. For mothers whose children have died.For all whose children died in infancy, childhood, or adolescence.For all who mourn their young adult or adult children.For all … [Read more...] about a prayer for mother’s day