I put off packing the hospital bag as long as I could. I didn't want to jinx it. I didn't want to think about the last time I packed it. Mostly I didn't know what to put inside. The usual necessities, of course. Pajamas. Hairbrush. Baby clothes. But I was bringing so much more with me to this birth. Fear. Anxiety. Grief. How could I carry all this with me? Our twins died nearly 18 months ago in the same hospital where I was preparing to birth our new baby. I knew I needed to bring our daughters with me in some way. So I tucked these sweet dolls inside my bag. A rosary bracelet from a dear friend. The same shirt I wore when I held my girls last. Prayers to anchor me when I wanted to quit. I had to carry more this time. I wasn't sure how to do it - or if I would be strong enough. But I knew I had to try. I remember every early-morning ultrasound we took of our twins in those final weeks. We'd throw the hospital bag in the backseat (again), pull out of the driveway before dawn … [Read more...] about all that we carry
growth
the mystery of growth
Infertility. Miscarriage. Infant loss. It is not lost on me that the story of our family has become a story of three deep losses. Who gets ALL of that? A girlfriend asks me, half-kidding, half-despairing. I know, I laugh in that dark way we learn to laugh when Irish blood runs through our veins, tragedy and comedy flowing together so we can survive. I know. But what I don't know is what to do with this story. Tell it, of course. Trust that the vulnerability of the telling has already changed lives, mine and those of people who write to me or stop me in person and share that something in our story has resonated deeply with theirs. But how and when and where and to whom to tell this story - all these questions have been churning within me for months. Whenever I have felt grief settling over my life like a hard, vast dome, impenetrable and suffocating, I have to remember myself back into a better metaphor. Grief is not something … [Read more...] about the mystery of growth
what we hold tight & what we let go
I finally tossed the stack of papers into the recycling bin, the post-op instructions we brought home after surgery. That laundry list of every possible complication and horrific side effect, the worries you watch for like a hawk when you first come home from the hospital, clutching the doctor's instructions as if they were a lifesaver. I felt a little sheepish when I realized the papers had been sitting on the bathroom counter for so long, spying at me each time I helped a child brush his teeth or wash his hands. Why did I think I needed to keep them around for weeks, even after surgery went fine and healing went as hoped and that healthy boy now runs around laughing and shrieking, never skipping a beat? But this is what you do when you're struggling to keep your head above water. You hold on. . . . After each birth it took me weeks to throw away the official discharge papers from the hospital. What if something awful happened to me or the baby? What if we didn't know what to … [Read more...] about what we hold tight & what we let go
there will be so many years
There will be so many years, she tells me, of nights so quiet you don't know what to do with yourself. I'm perched on my knees, rolling my green yoga mat into a tight spiral, facing the brick wall of the studio so she can't see my smile when she wishes the class "a peaceful evening." You can't believe it now, I know, she laughs. Mine are 23 and 25. And the house is quiet. So quiet. I tell her I believe her. . . . There will be so many years, she tells me, of whole days where you can do whatever you want. I'm washing dishes in the sink, staring out the water-splattered kitchen window while she finishes her cup of coffee before the boys drag her into another board game because "Grandma, you promised!" Can you imagine it now, she smiles. Whole days to do whatever you want? I can't imagine. I tell her I believe her. There will be so many years. Of calm Sundays at church. Lazy Saturday mornings spent reading the whole newspaper. Spur-of-the-moment Friday … [Read more...] about there will be so many years
