If you have young children in your life, odds are good you have recently sat in a movie theatre strewn with popcorn, listening to a snowman sing: See, that will all make sense when I am older,So there's no need to be terrified or tense.I'll just dream about a timeWhen I'm in my aged prime'Cause when you're olderAbsolutely everything makes sense! I roared with laughter, spilling the popcorn bucket, and nearly every adult in the theatre did the same. Because what could be further from the truth? . . . Last night, our 5 year-old (bedecked in Olaf pajamas and clutching a stuffed snowman to his chest) interrupted his own rendition of the song to ask me quite seriously: Is it true? Does it all make sense when you are older? I laughed out loud again. No, I told him. When I was a kid, I used to think so. I thought adults had it all figured out. I thought I would know a lot more by now. Turns out I have a lot more questions as a grown-up. It doesn't all make sense when … [Read more...] about the wisdom of unknowing
growth
all that we carry
I put off packing the hospital bag as long as I could. I didn't want to jinx it. I didn't want to think about the last time I packed it. Mostly I didn't know what to put inside. The usual necessities, of course. Pajamas. Hairbrush. Baby clothes. But I was bringing so much more with me to this birth. Fear. Anxiety. Grief. How could I carry all this with me? Our twins died nearly 18 months ago in the same hospital where I was preparing to birth our new baby. I knew I needed to bring our daughters with me in some way. So I tucked these sweet dolls inside my bag. A rosary bracelet from a dear friend. The same shirt I wore when I held my girls last. Prayers to anchor me when I wanted to quit. I had to carry more this time. I wasn't sure how to do it - or if I would be strong enough. But I knew I had to try. I remember every early-morning ultrasound we took of our twins in those final weeks. We'd throw the hospital bag in the backseat (again), pull out of the … [Read more...] about all that we carry
an Advent book club: week 3 {waiting}
"Be patient, brothers and sisters, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains. You too must be patient. Make your hearts firm, because the coming of the Lord is at hand." (James 5:7-8) This week we're reading in Everyday Sacrament: "A Strong Hand on the Shoulder" (psst: if you haven't yet gotten your copy of the book, you can read this chapter here) "Chrysalis in the Communion Line" "The Gift of the Pilgrimage" . . . Waiting. Already/not yet lies at the heart of Advent. We know (or we think we know) what we are anticipating, Whom is to come. And yet we must fill the in-between with living, as time holds at arm's length what we cannot yet grasp. For years I've kept these words of Caryll Houselander on my desk in winter. She's one of my unofficial patron saints - an everyday mystic, a woman who saw with clear eyes. Her words on waiting are rich and … [Read more...] about an Advent book club: week 3 {waiting}
the mystery of growth
Infertility. Miscarriage. Infant loss. It is not lost on me that the story of our family has become a story of three deep losses. Who gets ALL of that? A girlfriend asks me, half-kidding, half-despairing. I know, I laugh in that dark way we learn to laugh when Irish blood runs through our veins, tragedy and comedy flowing together so we can survive. I know. But what I don't know is what to do with this story. Tell it, of course. Trust that the vulnerability of the telling has already changed lives, mine and those of people who write to me or stop me in person and share that something in our story has resonated deeply with theirs. But how and when and where and to whom to tell this story - all these questions have been churning within me for months. Whenever I have felt grief settling over my life like a hard, vast dome, impenetrable and suffocating, I have to remember myself back into a better metaphor. Grief is not something … [Read more...] about the mystery of growth
