He slid three pamphlets across his desk toward us. "You have to pick one of these for your pre-wedding retreat." They all looked the same. Glossy photos, smiling couples, cheesy quotes. I was tired from this tedious meeting of wedding planning and a long day of work. I really didn't care which one we picked. "Most couples I work with didn't like the first one. I don't know anything about the second. But the third one's supposed to be good. It's long, but it's worth it if you can make the dates work." I looked at my fiance. He shrugged. I shrugged, too. "I guess we'll take the third." . . . The terrifying thing about hindsight is how arbitrary certain decisions can seem. We picked that retreat because the dates worked. Yet after the obvious impact of our parents' long-lasting marriages, I am certain that nothing has influenced our own marriage more than the choice we made that sunny afternoon in the deacon's office. When we picked one brochure instead of the other … [Read more...] about the only story we know how to tell
wedding
seven years
What does it mean to share seven years? Jokesters jest about the itch, of course. But that seems cynical. After seven years together, we don't instantly spring for calamine lotion or start to sneak away. Scholastics said seven was the age of reason. That sounds wiser. After seven years we've learned how to reason with each other, how to fight and forgive, when to hold on and when to let go. Traditionalists tout this anniversary's gifts as wool for warmth, copper for durability. That sounds fitting. After seven years we've settled into comfort and we hope it lasts. Scripture scholars coming off sabbatical might justify celebrating a Sabbath year. That sounds lovely. After seven years we'd take time to give thanks for what has been and rest to rejuvenate for what's to come. But I picture seven years as a springy second-grader, scraped knees from jumping off the jungle gym, gap-toothed grins for school pictures. That feels right. We're a bit banged up, having taken a few … [Read more...] about seven years
when the marriage dust settles
In a week when marriage made headlines, the quiet moments will be the ones I remember. Glimpsing small cousins plodding down the aisle in tiny tuxedos, child-sized versions of the grooms they may one day become. Chasing an exasperating (yet still adorable) toddler around the back of church while the priest asks if the couple will accept children and bring them up with love. Catching only one line from the homily in its entirety, words quoted from Bonhoeffer that it is not the love that sustains your marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love. Hearing a father with a golden voice singing for his daughter as she lit a candle with her new husband. Saying yes to the bright-eyed boy who asked to take his off his too-tight dress shoes and run free through the lush grass of the golf course green. Spinning my baby on my hip as he tipped back his head and belly-laughed with glee, wondering whether he'll ever spin me around another mother-son dance some … [Read more...] about when the marriage dust settles
before-kids and after-kids: two halves of a marriage
We're about to tip the balance of our marriage, my husband and I. This weekend we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. We enjoyed an elegant dinner on china and crystal once the babies were asleep upstairs. Watched a whole movie from start to finish without interruption. Indulged in sweet rolls for breakfast and ice cream in the afternoon. Took a long walk downtown and watched our boys play in the sunshine. Darn near perfect. And in a few weeks, we'll celebrate our son's third birthday. He's already a-twitter about a cake and a party, so plans are on the horizon. As is preschool, further confirming that our firstborn is no longer a baby, no longer a toddler, but on his way to becoming a Boy. All of which led me to realize that our marriage now stands evenly balanced, for a blink of an instant, between our years with children and our years without. From this point on, the days when we were partners but not yet parents will start to slip farther away, becoming a distant … [Read more...] about before-kids and after-kids: two halves of a marriage
