'A cold coming we had of it, Just the worst time of the year For a journey, and such a long journey: The ways deep and the weather sharp, The very dead of winter.' One year ago was when everything started to go wrong with our twins. When the worst-case scenario became the present-day reality. When the odds were no longer in our favor. When our lives flipped a switch and began to revolve around the next week's appointment, the next day's ultrasound, the next morning's consultation. When we could do nothing. As in one cold burst of bitter winter wind stealing breath the second you step out the door, everything was Hard. Everything was Wrong. Everything was Not Looking Good. And the camels galled, sorefooted, refractory, Lying down in the melting snow. There were times we regretted The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces, And the silken girls bringing sherbet. Just days before, we had spent Christmas in Hawaii with my family. To call paradise idyllic is redundant, … [Read more...] about the journey of the magi (one year)
twins
still easter
It is still Easter. Good God. It is a dragging long Easter this year. Two more weeks still to go before we can breathe back into ordinary time. How long do I have to try to rejoice? Our family has done officially zero of our usual Easter season practices. The beloved Tomie de Paola sticker calendar is shoved in a corner, all stickers unstuck. Repeat rounds of eggs went un-dyed. I threw away the candy and the kids didn't notice. Part of me believes that Easter could bring us extra hope this year. We got to glimpse pure light in the midst of darkness, resurrection in the middle of sorrow. We will never get closer. But truth be told, my heart does not want to rejoice. It wants to climb back into the tomb and push back through Good Friday and come out on the other side of still-Lent. Because back there we did not have dead children. And our future still looked familiar. . . . On Easter Sunday morning, Maggie and Abby had been gone for exactly one month. Franco and I stood … [Read more...] about still easter
the hardest and holiest of weeks
Thin places. The ancient Celts gave us this phrase to capture the feeling of space and time when heaven and earth are scarcely separated. My life has held a handful of these sacred moments and holy grounds. I imagine yours has, too. I always recognized these encounters in space and time by their sheerness - the sense that I could simply reach out and touch a Presence that I did not feel elsewhere. Where walls once stood solid and strong between here and heaven, everything collapsed for a brief, beautiful instant. Holy Week has often been a thin place for me. One year I suffered a deep hurt during these days and had to start a long learning of what it means to forgive. Another year someone I love came to a point of crisis in this week, and I had to witness another kind of suffering unfold too close to home. Over time I have journeyed through these days inside and out. Trying to make sense of the stories we tell of death and resurrection. Trying to make sense of my … [Read more...] about the hardest and holiest of weeks
a eulogy for maggie and abby
People often lament that while there is a word for those who have lost parents (orphan) and those who have lost a spouse (widow/widower), there is no word in English for those who have lost a child. People often say this is because the death of a child violates the natural order. That parents should not have to bury their children. That life should unfold in neat, tidy, predictable progression from one generation to the next. I mentioned this to my husband last week. His response blew apart the whole argument. Being a parent, he said, always used to mean that you lost a child. When mortality rates were high and health care was lacking, the simple fact of bearing and birthing a baby meant that death was at your doorstep. Centuries ago - and still today across the world - the odds were that every relative in your family and every parent in your community had experienced the death of a child: during pregnancy, in childbirth, during infancy or childhood. This was simply the way life … [Read more...] about a eulogy for maggie and abby
