The two girls I carry below my heart. The three boys who run circles around me all day long. I want them to be mine. I refer to them as such, of course. My twins. My sons. Our children. But oh, the flimsy power of possessive pronouns. They have never been mine to keep. I did not create them. I cannot control them. I will not save them. What humbling, frustrating, and defining truths. They have been given to me to guide, to tend, to shepherd and care and companion. But they came from God and they will someday return to God. They are not mine. Most of the time I do not remember this. It is up to us, their parents, to feed, shelter, comfort, teach, correct, and love them. They were born from our hopes; they share our home; they rely on our care. They are ours, right? Except their life and breath are only in God's hands. The rest is blessed detail. So how do you hold loosely and lightly the most precious gift you've been given? You cannot. It is part of … [Read more...] about i want them to be mine
twin pregnancy
an update on the twins
Stable abnormal. (I joke that most of us live this way, right?) That's the latest status with the twins. Doctors still aren't sure what's going on with their situation, why their blood flows aren't normal but aren't yet impacting their development. It makes no sense. There is nothing like hearing these half-frustrating, half-comforting words from a different doctor every week. My husband joked at last week's appointment that at least we're contributing to science with all this baffling data we're contributing. With a sympathetic shrug, the perinatologist admitted he was right. Nothing like being the medical mystery of the moment. Experts keep reminding us that 80% of mono-di twins (our identical kind that share a placenta) are born healthy. They just have no way of knowing whether we'll fall into the 80%. Or the other 20%. And serious complications can arise up until the very end. So for now, they are stable. We are holding our breaths. Taking it one abnormal week at a … [Read more...] about an update on the twins
a letter to the twins
Dear girls, This is the first thing I know about you. You are girls. This is still a stunning revelation to a mom of (previously) all boys. Of course I want to say with hindsight's surety that I knew, but your father heard those hopeful certainties with pregnancies in the past. He will not believe it for one second. When I want to say that I knew, what I mean is that I hoped. I am not ashamed to admit the hoping, because once we found out you were two, the whole world flipped inside out. And I prayed for some piece of the shock and surprise to be a piece of joy I could cling to. Then there it was. Plain as grainy ultrasound proof can be. It's girls, the tech smiled at me. I could not believe it and yet I knew it all along. (This is how I feel about 90% of what has happened since we discovered you were on your way.) I cannot yet bring myself to meditate long on what it might mean to have daughters. Sometimes I catch myself distracted by an adorable toddler in pigtails, … [Read more...] about a letter to the twins
expecting during advent: the tender and terrifying truth
Four times I've been pregnant during Advent. The first time. The second time. The third time. Now the fourth time. Four times I've teared up at all the hymns about waiting for a child. Four times I've connected with the stories of Annunciation and Visitation in a tender and touching way. I know many mothers have shared the wonder of this experience, to be expecting when the whole world seems to be expectant, too. But this time around? I'm learning about the darker side. The vulnerability and uncertainty and mystery of what that first Advent must have meant. I'm in the midst of my most uncertain pregnancy yet. Double the babies. Double the exhaustion. Double the anxiety. I do not know what will come or how this story will end. I have to lean into trust and faith every single day. Honestly, I hate it. I'm not supposed to say that, of course. People like certainty with Big News. They want to hear that I am excited, that I'm feeling great, that everything is going … [Read more...] about expecting during advent: the tender and terrifying truth
