When we were dating, then engaged, then married, I used to catch a glimpse of him and think—God, please send us daughters. Because I had never met a man like him, so strong and gentle all at once, so humble and quietly confident, so genuinely kind and caring. I watched how he treated his mother, his sister, his friends, and me. And I knew—with all the women who suffer father wounds, who never learn that they deserve to be treated with respect by every single man they meet—that we were meant to have daughters. That he would be so good to them. That he would leave such a legacy of love to build them up for a world driven to diminish their worth. Then God gave us a boy. And another. And another. Then we were going to have two girls—two!—but they went home to God as quickly as they were here. And then we had another boy. Now we are having another son. I realized I was wrong about raising daughters. Not that it wouldn’t have been amazing, … [Read more...] about another, again, anew
pregnancy after loss
all that we carry
I put off packing the hospital bag as long as I could. I didn't want to jinx it. I didn't want to think about the last time I packed it. Mostly I didn't know what to put inside. The usual necessities, of course. Pajamas. Hairbrush. Baby clothes. But I was bringing so much more with me to this birth. Fear. Anxiety. Grief. How could I carry all this with me? Our twins died nearly 18 months ago in the same hospital where I was preparing to birth our new baby. I knew I needed to bring our daughters with me in some way. So I tucked these sweet dolls inside my bag. A rosary bracelet from a dear friend. The same shirt I wore when I held my girls last. Prayers to anchor me when I wanted to quit. I had to carry more this time. I wasn't sure how to do it - or if I would be strong enough. But I knew I had to try. I remember every early-morning ultrasound we took of our twins in those final weeks. We'd throw the hospital bag in the backseat (again), pull out of the driveway before dawn … [Read more...] about all that we carry
what one good doctor taught me about grief
We were brand-new to the clinic, looking for a new doctor after our beloved pediatrician had retired. Our three living children are healthy as galloping horses—a simple fact made astonishing after the deaths of their two sick sisters. But they still need well-checks and vaccines and strep tests and a place to call about rashes and fevers and flu. So here I was, hugely pregnant, waddling in the door with a newly minted three year-old, ready for his yearly check-up. He clung to my leg, worried about shots and whether I would stay with him the whole time. My concerns were less immediate, more long-term. The baby kicking within me would soon need a doctor, too (God, please, let it be so). A name to scribble for “pediatrician” on the hospital forms. Someone to see for the routine and not-so-routine visits that consume the first few months of babyhood. So would I drop the grief bomb today? Or would I wait till I had a wailing newborn safely in my arms? How could I start to … [Read more...] about what one good doctor taught me about grief
the best question anyone could have asked
With laughter from the party still ringing in my ears, I headed toward the coat rack, hoping to grab my jacket and slip quietly away into the early evening cool to make it home before dark. But just as I reached the door, he turned and caught my eye. We smiled. Who can resist the chance to greet a beloved teacher? I leaned in for a hug over my awkward pregnant belly, the obvious conversation starter. "How are you?" he asked, listening in the genuine way I always admired in the classroom. "I'm good," I answered. (Knowing this is always what people want to hear.) "Really grateful. Just a few more months." I waited for his next question, anticipating the follow-up "And everything's normal this time? Baby's healthy?" or the requisite "Do you know what you're having? Is it a boy or a girl?" When you've been pregnant this many times, you know the routine. And when everyone who asks for an update leaps to answer their own question - "How are you, good? You seem great!" - … [Read more...] about the best question anyone could have asked
