He and I stare down at the freshly laid gravestone, edged by spring-green grass. "When people come into our office for this," he trails off, shielding his eyes from the morning sunshine, his weathered face suddenly young in disbelief. "It's the absolute worst when this happens," he shakes his head, unable to speak the words "baby" or "dead" in the same sentence. I nod. I can say anything; I have already baffled him with my sunny cheer, interrupting his silent, solitary task by jumping out of a minivan full of (living) children to ask if this was my daughters' gravestone he was laying. When you start having a Strange Conversation with a Stranger, you can say anything and it is marvelously freeing. (It wasn't theirs; there is another baby buried next to them now; she lived two months; my mind calculates the math every time; dates are codes in this terrible club.) "It's not like Grandma who got 80, 90 years, lived a full life," he continues, waving a heavy hand toward his … [Read more...] about hearts of flesh & hearts of stone
parenting after loss
seven metaphors for grief
The pale pink tulips are drooping, stems withered beyond saving. I carry their vase over to the sink, dump out the water, crush the stems into the compost bin. Absentmindedly I wonder aloud. "I really thought we were going to get more time with these." As soon as the words leave my mouth, we are erupting with laughter. . . . Rain drives down in sheets onto the windshield, wipers frantically sluicing water back and forth, back and forth. I barely hear his small voice from the backseat as the downpour hammers on the car roof. Then I spy the bridge ahead. "Watch this, buddy," I holler back to him. "I can turn off the rain." For one second under the overpass, we are surprised by silence. Then the splatters smack down even harder, deafening. "You can't stop the rain, mama!" he yells. "You know that's impossible!" . . . Uh-uh! A forest! A big dark forest. We can't go over it. We can't go under it. Oh no! We've got to go through it! (Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury, We're … [Read more...] about seven metaphors for grief
still a good story
And then from the backseat, you hear a fidgeting restlessness. He begins to speak, and from the second the sentence ends, you feel the air around you change. "In the last chapter of Narnia that we read, they killed Aslan." You grip your hands tighter around the steering wheel. Your knuckles turn pink-white, hard. You reply, breathing evenly. Yes, they did. You know this is not the end. You wait for the next. You can feel questions creeping, circling around the pathways of his brain, only almost-five years old. "That was really bad. The White Witch cut his mane to look like a kitty cat's mane. And all the creatures on the Witch's side made fun of him like he was a little kitty cat." Your fingers ease up on the wheel. Maybe it is not the question you think. Maybe it is not why-did-Aslan-die or why-did-God-let-him-die or why-did-Maggie-and-Abby-die. Maybe you are just talking about the book. Yes, they did cut his mane and make fun of him. That's a hard part of … [Read more...] about still a good story
to have and have not
We sleep eight hours straight. No one wakes us. I rise on my own to soft sunlight, hearing birdsong. No hungry cries. I drink a glass of wine with dinner. I eat whatever I want. I never throw up. Spicy food makes no baby fussy. We didn't have to buy a new car. Or rearrange the boys' bedrooms. I spend Saturday at the coffee shop, evenings at yoga. I never have to time my plans to nurse a newborn. I get to spend a week writing at one of my favorite places on the planet. I am diving deep into a book project I have long wanted to finish. I have all the hours I need, the company of colleagues, the prayer of monks, delicious meals, long walks in summer woods, peace and quiet. I have all these things that at some point I desperately wanted. . . . Ever since I read my friend Christie's wise, rich words on grief and loss, I have been turning her phrases over and over in my head: Once, I was confident that our good God never causes the bad thing that is pain. But I … [Read more...] about to have and have not
