I remember the sight of our first child's baptism. Holding our baby - our own baby! after years of hoping! - dressed in the same white gown that four generations of our family's babies had worn, watching him squeal as we undressed him to be plunged into the warm waiting font. I remember the smell of our second child's baptism. Sweet balsam chrism that lingered on his head for days afterward, staining his father's grey suit where he held him proudly as we snapped a hundred photos. I remember the feel of our third child's baptism. Gathering a wriggling wet baby in my arms, wrapping him in white towels, giving him back to the arms of the priest who carried him out to see the whole clapping congregation. But this baptism? I have no memory. I was not witness. I was still lying in the recovery room, groggy from surgery and foggy from anesthesia. I did not see our daughters' only sacrament. But he did. I can only imagine how it looked. The bright lights of the resuscitation room, giant … [Read more...] about the bravest baptism
NICU
this is the story i have to tell you
There are so many stories I want to tell you. Stories of our daughters' births, lives, and deaths. Stories that have ended and stories that are just beginning. Some stories will take months and years before I can share. Some stories I will hold sacred and secret until the end of my days. But this is the story I have to tell you now. Margaret Susan and Abigail Kathleen were born on Saturday evening via c-section. When we finally got to sleep late that night, they were stable in the NICU. By Sunday morning, they were not. We spent Sunday afternoon holding Maggie as she died in our arms. People say there are no words for this, but there are. They are just achingly hard words. People say that parents should not have to go through this, but they do. It is just overwhelmingly awful. But what everyone agrees upon is that having to do this two days in a row - having to hold two children while their breathing slows and their hearts stop - is unbearable. Beyond the pale. Nothing … [Read more...] about this is the story i have to tell you
