Four times I've been pregnant during Advent. The first time. The second time. The third time. Now the fourth time. Four times I've teared up at all the hymns about waiting for a child. Four times I've connected with the stories of Annunciation and Visitation in a tender and touching way. I know many mothers have shared the wonder of this experience, to be expecting when the whole world seems to be expectant, too. But this time around? I'm learning about the darker side. The vulnerability and uncertainty and mystery of what that first Advent must have meant. I'm in the midst of my most uncertain pregnancy yet. Double the babies. Double the exhaustion. Double the anxiety. I do not know what will come or how this story will end. I have to lean into trust and faith every single day. Honestly, I hate it. I'm not supposed to say that, of course. People like certainty with Big News. They want to hear that I am excited, that I'm feeling great, that everything is going … [Read more...] about expecting during advent: the tender and terrifying truth
Incarnation
a bouquet of incarnations for mother’s day
First, gather the flowers. At Mass a few weeks ago, my oldest boy leaned into my side while we stood to say the creed together. I recited the words on the projector screen, still prompting us with the new translation of the prayer after decades of The Version We Used To Say. Absent-mindedly, I stumbled as happens so often, tripping over clumsy words that once were clear: "...he came down from heaven, and by the Holy Spirit was born - dah! was incarnate! - of the Virgin Mary and became man." Without thinking, I rubbed the basketball of my belly in that unconscious instinct of expectant mothers. I thought about birth and babies and started to grumble about why we didn't say "born" anymore, why the abstract theological was deemed better than the concrete physical. Then I felt baby's quick jab to my right side, sharp enough to make me wince. And I felt my son's tired lean into my left side, heavy enough to make me shift my footing. And I realized. Maybe incarnate was a truer … [Read more...] about a bouquet of incarnations for mother’s day
