Right now are the waning days of pregnancy. Contractions come and go. Intense, then subsiding. I can't walk without waddling. Sleep is fitful, restless. Comfort is elusive. I wake a hundred times. Every morning the kids ask if the baby will be born today. No one knows. These are my last days to carry. To be a vessel. Soon I will become the passage. . . . Each time the priest lifts high the cup and plate, intoning the thundering prayer I've heard for decades, I try to understand. What does it mean for God to be held in human hands? To offer us a way to become holy? Eucharist is vessel and passage. Jesus said I am the Cup of Life and I am the Way, and people were so startled by his strange words that they remembered them, recited them under breath a thousand times, wrote them down and passed them on, pressed them into the hands of others saying, see? It is all here. If you can try to understand. If you can believe. What I believe is this. We gather … [Read more...] about to be vessel and passage
grace
this is the story i have to tell you
There are so many stories I want to tell you. Stories of our daughters' births, lives, and deaths. Stories that have ended and stories that are just beginning. Some stories will take months and years before I can share. Some stories I will hold sacred and secret until the end of my days. But this is the story I have to tell you now. Margaret Susan and Abigail Kathleen were born on Saturday evening via c-section. When we finally got to sleep late that night, they were stable in the NICU. By Sunday morning, they were not. We spent Sunday afternoon holding Maggie as she died in our arms. People say there are no words for this, but there are. They are just achingly hard words. People say that parents should not have to go through this, but they do. It is just overwhelmingly awful. But what everyone agrees upon is that having to do this two days in a row - having to hold two children while their breathing slows and their hearts stop - is unbearable. Beyond the pale. Nothing … [Read more...] about this is the story i have to tell you
the grit and the glamour
Before I had children, I had a hazy image of life with kids. I don't think I idealized it as pure ease and smooth delight, but the montage of pictures that would flash through my mind looked much more like parenting's "best of" reel. Taking them to the playground on sunlit afternoons. Chasing them laughing before bath time. Cuddling up on the couch with favorite books. Watching them learn to ride a bike. Spinning them around the dance floor at family weddings. My movie montage still sneaks into my head in nostalgic moments. I know exactly why our memories choose to cement the best-of as hard truth. Because the grit which grinds through most of our days is not what keeps us going. It's the glamour. I saw this desire in spades on social media in the days leading up to Christmas and New Year's. Pictures of grinning cherubs in matching Sunday best. Families gathered beneath twinkling trees. Perfect holiday dinner spreads and champagne toasts. No one shows the screaming toddler … [Read more...] about the grit and the glamour
there is another way
All these things are in the way, I sigh. Shuffle and shove to make space again. I am tired of working like this, I mutter. I want to sweep everything aside - the papers and the clutter and the laundry and the bills and the books and the toys and the shoes - and stare at a vacant desk. A spotless office. A shining house of sparkling minimalism. It will never be. Call it the sacrifice of the mess. Call it the holy beautiful of right now. Call it life with kids. Call it our tired thirties. Whatever you call it, call yourself to look upon it again. I look again. All the things cluttering my view? They accompany a full life. Piles of doctors' bills. Art keepsakes from two more years of school. Photos of loved ones to frame. Books to read. Seedlings to plant. Work to finish. Newspapers to recycle. Bank statements to file. It will never be done. It will never be clean. And this is okay. This is another way. Somewhere between the trend to accumulate (more and … [Read more...] about there is another way
