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everyday parenting as spiritual practice

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i want them to be mine

33 Comments

The two girls I carry below my heart. The three boys who run circles around me all day long.

I want them to be mine. 

I refer to them as such, of course. My twins. My sons. Our children.

But oh, the flimsy power of possessive pronouns. They have never been mine to keep.

I did not create them. I cannot control them. I will not save them.

What humbling, frustrating, and defining truths.

They have been given to me to guide, to tend, to shepherd and care and companion. But they came from God and they will someday return to God.

They are not mine. 

Most of the time I do not remember this. It is up to us, their parents, to feed, shelter, comfort, teach, correct, and love them. They were born from our hopes; they share our home; they rely on our care. They are ours, right?

Except their life and breath are only in God’s hands. The rest is blessed detail.

So how do you hold loosely and lightly the most precious gift you’ve been given?

You cannot. It is part of the paradox of parenting. The power and the powerlessness. 

But oh, when the veil gets ripped back and you realize that you could lose exactly what you most want to keep, you cannot help but try to cling fast to any illusion of control you wish to be true.


This week we learned the babies have developed twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome: the scariest complication of sharing a placenta. The threat we feared most all along. The game-changer which now turns every twice-weekly ultrasound into a possible algebraic equation: today + 1 day = surgery. From which one or both babies might not survive.

I know that everything could turn out safe and swimmingly. I know there are plenty of twins who go on to safe deliveries and healthy childhoods after this syndrome and surgery. I also know there are parents whose worst fears come true.

I am stuck smack in the middle of all these possibilities that I cannot control.

The stories keep coming, whispering when I wake, circling through my head throughout the day. Only say the word and my daughter will be healed. Whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. The Lord will guard your coming and going, now and forever. 

All of these words, like well-worn rosary beads or dog-eared Bible pages, reminding me what they have reminded centuries of Christians. That this life is not our own.

And that my children do not belong to me. They are held by stronger, safer, surer hands than I could ever hope to offer.

Helplessness is not the same as hopelessness. This is what I have to keep learning.

Yes, we are trapped in a situation not of our choosing, a rock-and-hard-place from which I wish I could run and never look back. But no, this is not the end.

And if the only One I truly belong to is God, too, then I must trust the same stronger, safer hands are holding me, too.

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Comments

  1. Abbey @ Surviving Our Blessings says

    18 February 2016 at 9:20 pm

    “Helplessness is not the same as hopelessness.”

    Yes. You are held, and so are they- in God’s hands and by our prayers. You’re not alone. Much love to you!

    Reply
  2. Claire says

    18 February 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Prayers for you, your daughters and your whole family.

    Reply
  3. Margaret says

    18 February 2016 at 9:30 pm

    Laura, I am praying for you and your family.

    Reply
  4. Rita @ Open Window says

    18 February 2016 at 9:38 pm

    Continuing to pray for you and your baby girls. Thank you for keeping us updated so we can pray.

    Reply
  5. Jen says

    18 February 2016 at 9:43 pm

    I came to this same realization when pregnant with my daughter. In the midst of fear, test, appointments, and complications I had to come to terms that my children are not mine, but Gods’. She arrived healthy and sweet as can be. We gave her the middle name “Lael”– Hebrew for “Belonging to God”, which serves as a reminder and testimony of what a blessing and privilege it is to parent her.
    Praying for you and “your” girls.

    Reply
  6. Jenny says

    18 February 2016 at 9:51 pm

    Oh Laura, you’ll have so many of my prayers. What a beautiful tribute this is to your fivesome. I’m sorry you’ve been tasked with this immense cross, and I hope we can be of some relief by praying alongside you as your walk this path.

    Reply
  7. Beth Reynolds says

    18 February 2016 at 9:54 pm

    Oh Laura. I am praying for you every night. For you, your girls, your whole family. Know you are not walking this walk alone. Sending my love

    Reply
  8. Hannah says

    18 February 2016 at 10:10 pm

    Praying for strength for all of you.

    Reply
  9. Kate says

    18 February 2016 at 10:28 pm

    love you dear friend. praying God holds you extra tightly as you try and sleep, so you can feel the warmth of His embrace, and the miracles inside feel the beauty of the woman God chose to carry them.

    Reply
  10. Laurel says

    18 February 2016 at 10:34 pm

    Praying and thinking of you so much these days. <3

    Reply
  11. Shelley says

    18 February 2016 at 10:44 pm

    Helplessness is not the same as hopelessness.
    Yes.
    Prayers from here too. Thanks for writing so beautifully amongst the uncertainty.

    Reply
  12. Amy @ Motherhood and Miscellany says

    18 February 2016 at 11:15 pm

    Praying for you and those babies. Such a beautiful post and a poignant reminder to all of us who are mothers.

    Reply
  13. Micaela says

    19 February 2016 at 1:10 am

    Oh, Laura. This is painful and beautiful and so so true. You’re in my daily prayers.

    Reply
  14. Amanda says

    19 February 2016 at 5:17 am

    Oh Laura. The haunting beauty of your words. You write so wonderfully, I can nearly feel your anguish as if it were my own.

    I will be praying for you and those sweet girls. I have been, but I will continue. How far along are you?

    Reply
  15. Rakhi says

    19 February 2016 at 5:39 am

    Oh, Laura. How much I just want to hug you!! You know I am always saying that my children aren’t mine, but the Lord’s…but I sure wonder if when push came to shove I could live that fully.

    “Helplessness is not the same as hopelessness. This is what I have to keep learning.” Beautiful. Some days I do better with this than others. And how often I have prayed that pleading prayer of Martha…if you were here you could have healed them! If I had more faith. If …

    Know that you are all in my prayers.

    Reply
  16. Maureen says

    19 February 2016 at 5:48 am

    Sending warm thoughts and prayers to you and your family, Laura. I know those babies already feel you love and care for them.

    Reply
  17. Jeanne Gallaher says

    19 February 2016 at 6:53 am

    Laura, your clarity and faith inspire me even as my prayers for you continue.

    Reply
  18. Louise says

    19 February 2016 at 7:30 am

    Praying for you and your precious daughters. And for the rest of your family.

    Reply
  19. Amy A. says

    19 February 2016 at 8:00 am

    Dear Laura, I am praying so hard for you and your girls. I want to share a blog post that meant a lot to me when I was pregnant and scared for my twins. Hilary’s situation is different than yours and different than mine, but her words were an inexpressible comfort to me, and I pray they will be to you as well. You are a long way out on the water, away from the supposed safety of the boat, and Jesus is there with you.
    https://thewildlove.wordpress.com/2015/09/01/i-am-a-long-way-out-on-the-water/

    Reply
  20. Kate Gjerde says

    19 February 2016 at 8:25 am

    Laura,
    Praying for you and your babies. Your faith, strength, and love of family is beautiful to witness.

    Reply
  21. Anna says

    19 February 2016 at 9:06 am

    Oh Laura! I am offering up all of my parenting trials for you and your family today. Grace and peace and safety, Lord Jesus!

    Reply
  22. Nell says

    19 February 2016 at 1:22 pm

    You’re my rock, girl. I love those babies inside you and am praying so so so hard.

    Reply
  23. Daniel D. Maurer says

    19 February 2016 at 3:16 pm

    Oh my. You’ve written a wonderful reflection. “[T]his life is not our own.” So spot on.

    Perhaps the greatest discovery that we can come to in this life is the realization that either 1) Life has no meaning and is utterly useless, or; 2) That every day—moment, really—is a gift.

    I sincerely want to take this opportunity to thank you for this piece. You write well.

    Peace! – DDM

    Reply
  24. Katherine says

    19 February 2016 at 3:31 pm

    I go by these words when I am in trouble: “Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow, the same loving God who takes care of you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either God will shield you from the struggle or God will give you unfailing strength to bear it.” St. Francis de Sales.

    Reply
  25. Holli says

    19 February 2016 at 8:49 pm

    Our Catholic Moms Group is currently reading Everyday Sacrament. We can’t say enough good things about your book! We will add you and your sweet baby girls to our prayers! May God bless you and your family and thank you for inspiring us in all you do!

    Reply
  26. Shannon says

    19 February 2016 at 11:13 pm

    We are all praying with you Laura! And so thankful for that they are His.

    Reply
  27. Heather says

    24 February 2016 at 2:07 pm

    Dear Laura,

    Praying for healing, wholeness, and peace. ❤️

    Reply
  28. Kelly says

    26 February 2016 at 11:29 am

    praying!

    Reply
  29. Bettina says

    26 February 2016 at 10:06 pm

    Praying for you, your family & your babies and trusting that all will work out for the good!

    Reply
  30. Rebecca says

    27 February 2016 at 9:35 am

    I am praying for you and those little babies this morning, that the surgery is successful and that all heal and recover well.

    Reply
  31. Marie says

    27 February 2016 at 10:59 am

    Praying, praying, praying. I saw Bonnie’s post about the surgery on Facebook. Lifting you and the girls up in prayer. St. Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us!!

    Reply
  32. Amy @ The Salt Stories says

    27 February 2016 at 5:41 pm

    Laura, what wise words to rest on. I am sure this is a season where each day needs constant reminders of the truth, know I will be praying for truth and peace in the midst of unanswered questions. Thank you for sharing and writing.

    Reply
  33. Crystal Duffy says

    29 February 2016 at 6:47 pm

    I went through this same terrifying TTTS with my twin girls, two years ago. Stay strong in your faith, sweet Mama. Our girls, Katie and Lauren, survived the laser ablation surgery used to treat TTTS and then suffered a few more complications after but were born tiny and healthy! Now they are 2 very loving and busy toddlers. Praying for you and your family!

    Reply

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About Laura

I’m Laura Kelly Fanucci. Mother, writer, wonderer. This space is where I explore mothering through writing. It’s where I celebrate how God shows up in the chaos of raising children. It’s where I love to build community with readers like you. Read More…

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thismessygrace

thismessygrace
Nearly 20 years ago (!) these crazy kids graduated Nearly 20 years ago (!) these crazy kids graduated from Notre Dame. Now we’re thick in the midst of life-with-kids, celebrating middle school & preschool & everything in between. 
 
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Rules: Open to the U.S. only. Entries will be accepted until 6/11/22 at 11:59 pm CT. The 2 winners will be chosen at random and announced on 6/12/22. Per Instagram rules, this promotion is in no way sponsored, administered, or associated with Instagram, Inc. By entering, entrants confirm that they are 13+ years of age, release Instagram of responsibility, and agree to Instagram's terms of use.
“How did you do this?” I want to ask her. “H “How did you do this?” I want to ask her. “How did you let your heart break a thousand times?”

I want to call my mother and ask her impossible questions, to probe her heart that held five children and let each of us go in the hardest ways. But I know what she will say, “It’s hard. But you’re doing a beautiful job.” She can’t give words to the deepest yearnings and groanings. None of us can.

I wish I could ask my grandmothers, each of them gone for decades now, each of them matriarchs who raised big broods of their own. I never got to know them as an adult, but I have heaps of questions: How did you do it? How did you not lose yourself or your way? Or did you, and that was precisely the point?

I want a whole book of answers to impossible questions, and none exists. So I send my thoughts to the mothers of faith whose short stories, mere snippets on pages, have sparked small lights to guide me along. To Sarah and Ruth, Hagar and Rachel, Mary and Elizabeth. Every unnamed anguish the holy ones carried, every treasure of love they held in their heart.

Is it any coincidence that birth often brings both cries and screams, laughter and joy?

We hold it all within us. We cannot give words to the enormity of what it means to mother.

I sit outside a coffee shop two blocks from my children’s school on a sunny afternoon, the last day of the year. I wipe away tears for the natural nostalgia, but I also feel the gutting grief welling up from my own wounds of motherhood to know a deeper truth: marking milestones with love and longing is nothing compared to the gaping loss of not having your child here to break your heart in a thousand tiny ways.

So I resolve again, a hundred times again, to let this vulnerability become the strength that keeps me fighting for all children to have what I want for my own: life, love, health, safety, support, opportunity, community, hope. This is how parenting asks us to change. To let the particulars of our lives stretch us to love more widely.

I once thought “to mother” meant to have and to hold.

Now I know it also means to let go.
Many of you asked me to save these suggestions I s Many of you asked me to save these suggestions I shared after the school shooting in Uvalde.

Remember: we can’t do everything, but we can each do something.

Just because we can’t eradicate evil overnight doesn’t mean we can’t take small strong steps toward change.

Any work for justice and peace is long and hard. But we can build this work into our daily lives in concrete ways.

Look at the children in your life. What would you do to keep them safe and alive?

Start there. Let your life and love lead you.
When women meet, the world changes. Today is the When women meet, the world changes.

Today is the Feast of the Visitation. A day when we remember the meeting of Mary and Elizabeth.

Two women pregnant with new life, blooming with prophetic power.
Two mothers called to change the world.

What would happen if we gathered together like this today?
How could the world change if we made Mary’s song our own?

“He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts.
He has brought down the powerful from their thrones, and lifted up the lowly;
he has filled the hungry with good things,
and sent the rich away empty.”
(Luke 1:51-53)

Imagine if we stayed in this holy space—not for a moment’s meeting, but for months together—to gestate the dreams God was waiting to birth through us.

Imagine if we let ourselves be filled with the Holy Spirit to shout out with loud cries.
Imagine if we lifted our souls with prayers of justice and joy.

Imagine if we gave each other strength and service, courage and compassion, as we kept asking how to answer God’s call in our ordinary lives.

When women meet, the world changes.

If you want to know how to fight for justice for your children, for your people, for this world, look to the Visitation.

The mothers will show us the way. They already have.

(Image from the “Windsock Visitation” by Br. Mickey McGrath, OSFS, commissioned for the Monastery of the Visitation in north Minneapolis.)
Here’s what I wish I would have heard preached t Here’s what I wish I would have heard preached today on the Ascension.

Right now is a time to be prophetic and pastoral, a time for each of us to ask how God is calling us to act.
I am writing this to us next week. When our right I am writing this to us next week.

When our righteous anger will have quieted down. When the white-hot fury pulsing through our veins will have subsided. When the news cycle will have moved on.

Do not forget how we felt tonight.
Stay angry. Flip tables.

We cannot live like this. Literally—our children are dying. Our elders are being murdered. We have accepted violence as—a way of life? An unfortunate side effect of freedom? A helpless shrug?

No. I am not resigned.
Stay angry. Flip tables.

Remember how it felt today to hear the news and feel the world crack open—again, for we have heard it a hundred times now. Remember how you felt sick to your stomach. How the children around you glowed, alive and fragile, miraculous and vulnerable.

Remember how you wanted to do something, anything, how you wanted to act, how you wanted to stop and scream for it to end, how every cell in your body cried out that this was evil and unjust and horrific and cannot continue.

Press into that memory like a bruise.
Stay angry. Flip tables.

The only way anything changes is if we change. Change what we believe. Change who we support. Change how we vote. Change where we give. Change how we act. Change how we speak. Change how we pray.

There are no easy answers to terrible, complex problems—which is what gun violence in the US has become. But the lack of easy answers makes it all the more urgent and vital that we press into our righteous anger and say NO MORE.

Stay angry. Flip tables.

I am writing this for us, for tonight, for next week. And I never want to write it again.
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